I don't talk openly about my depression very often, largely because I try hard to keep on top of it and that my home life is where it manifests the most.
I have done well really, I have been to a very dark place in my mind and had to fight my demons on my own which has been difficult but I have kept going. I had a nervous breakdown a year or so ago when at my worst but that was the catalyst for me to seek help.
I'm being open about this now because I'm left with no choice following a recent relationship break up but to face my fears. I'm actually doing ok, sure I miss Vikki but I will move on and find someone else in time, that's life.
I have had other set backs. The illness that we worried so much about my niece having turns out to be non life threatening so that is a huge relief and my knee damage turns out to be a strain not a tear so again a huge relief as I was back playing football a week ago and I took my 1st salsa class last week (yes I'm salsa dancing now!! Originally I bought the classes as a surprise for Vik but I'm doing them on my own)
I have one other demon to fight, something out of my control that I have been fighting for about a year now. I hope to have that resolved soon and be back to my best by August but it's 50/50 and I have no control over it.
So my mental state now?
Actually very strong, I'm more determined than ever and I am heeding the lessons someone tried to teach me about having targets to aim for, I have set some. Financial, comedy and even fitness as I'm not in the best shape of my life!
I feel sad at the loss of a partnership with someone I love so deeply but as earlier mentioned I know the pain of that will go away in time and if I just concentrate on things for myself and be selfish for a short while I'll be grand.
As for comedy. Well more and more paid work and good quality trial gigs are coming in and I have a decent 30 min set that has been booked to close for a few smaller bookers and gone rather well (I'm under no illusion it's finished article)
My MCing is getting better and I have 2 residencies that I'm really happy with. Overall I feel I'm going in the right direction.
I could continue working towards the comedy goal although to be fair I would also quit comedy right now and work on re building my relationship with Vik if that was an option, I'm not so sure it is so I will put my all into this... I've come so far and I believe in myself so watch this space.. Who knows where I could end up
