Monday 25 January 2016

Wars are bad

I had a dream that I wrote a great joke last week, I know right, must have been a dream!

Thing is I actually laughed myself awake and then sat for 15 minutes trying to figure out if the joke was funny enough to write down, I then became distracted, possibly the dog decided to clamber on top of me as he does when I have nodded off on the sofa during the day, he thinks it's funny I laughed myself awake despite the fact he often farts himself awake!! 

Maybe my phone went or I decided to check Facebook or something mundane I don't know but I immediately forgot the joke, it was a play on the word Liverpudlian, an insult, to someone not from Liverpool but who was really into the Beatles (not even a wool or whatever scousers call them I've no idea)
This big fat unit of a guy, like huge and hairy and lacking any personal hygiene standards (that's polite speak for he smelt like he's been dead a week. I'm not saying this has anything to do with home being large or hairy it's just this individuals issue please don't write to Anne Robinson, not that the staple faced grinch can do anything!!)

It did make me realise I need a dictaphone, there is probably some kind of app that acts as one I imagine and I need to talk to myself.

Well I need to talk to future me, I need to tell future me what the joke or idea that past me thought of in full was; this way I can develop the idea better rather than looking at the notes as I think I mentioned in a previous blog they barely make sense anyway yet still the other day I wrote this note.

"Went to stroke benji but he's a kid not a dog"

What the actual fuckedy duck does my brain do when the conscious switches off.

I've tried recently to write things that I believe in more rather than just jokes or finger as a verb related stories!
Maybe my subconscious is telling me to make a point through stand up?

I wrote recently about why Making a Murderers Steven Avery is a genius and is blatantly the guy who killed Theresa Halbach, he planned it all spent 18 years in jail and then got a documentary team to follow him about so he could get away with it or at least get a public pardon, yeah there were more jokes than what I posted here but I was howling at myself, I was being unreasonable and then justifying my unreasonable point or at least making something that makes no sense have a sense of some kind, because... It's just jokes innit (no idea why the innit is there)

I fucking loved it, it was somewhat Inbetween Bill Burr and Daniel Sloss only without their talent, fuck it I can be a shit Burr or Sloss, or a Bloss as I'm going to now call it.

When I write in Bloss mode there will be all those opinions I have opted not to share because I don't want to argue with anyone or upset anyone, you can all have your opinions and mine could be wrong just as yours could be but fuck it if I can make mine funny I win give me my prize!!

I think it's fair to say I've never really won an opinion off, I've no idea what happens when you do but given how much bellendry goes on when an opinionated tool feels challenged I can only assume the rewards are great? 

Maybe you get your naughty bits kissed by the person of your dreams.... Although if this were the case, for me it would be a large hairy smelly Beatles fan who I've just insulted hilariously and then completely forgotten how!

The stage is a good place for opinions, but to be honest, audiences don't come to comedy looking to be taught or preached to, they don't come expecting to learn a moral lesson, hear some rant about the government, the illuminati, wars are bad or ukip are thick.... 
We get it... 

They are stupid!! 

Stop pointing it out like a sanctimonious smug prick, we know Donald Trump is not just a moron he's the fucking King or moronia!!
 YOU'RE NOT STEWART LEE!! 
Just make us fucking laugh!

Sure we know the differences between men and women and I don't want to know about that time you had self love or thought your uncle was a 70's bbc DJ

But tell me about when you shit yourself on the train if you want, observe stuff that happens every day but from a different perspective if you need it's all good... Yes I went all ranty but I'm hopping back on the funny is funny slide and I'm happy to slip down it and laugh at comics who aren't teaching us anything until snot runs down my face and I make that froggy sound when I laugh!
(Like an actual frog, I wasn't being racist about anyone , although having to mention that suggests maybe I am, I will address that with myself)

I rather suspect a number of audiences also go just to switch off and laugh too, so write what's funny... I'm not even sure if I'm talking to you or myself now... It's been a long week!

J x

Monday 18 January 2016

I got fired!

So.... I had a dayjob that I really quite liked until Friday just gone, I don't have a dayjob anymore!!

It's only the 2nd time in my life I've been fired, I've walked away from a couple of jobs, in fact I once took a job that I didn't fancy just to keep my dad happy and on the 1st day he gave me a lift to work.

I got out the car and walked up to the door and as dad pulled away I turned and went to McDonald's for a brew and then walked home (he would have been at work).... I had to do that for 5 weeks before I eventually found a job I liked and pretended to move offices!!

So yeah that makes me a little unemployable it seems... Actually the other job I was fired from would make me unemployable as I was involved in the pouring of 3 litres of vodka into the slushy machine to get drunk on vodka slushies after work, only to then forget we'd done that leave for the day without cleaning the machine down and causing several children to have hangovers on the Monday (yeah don't call the cops this may have been embellished!)

Thing is that's not my normal working attitude, I work hard, I usually have little to say and just crack on with my job, this most recent job I worked harder than usual despite being knackered from returning home from gigs at 3am or having to be up early 4 mornings a week for the gym.

I worked as hard as possible with not a single day sick leave in the 15 months I was there but.... My bleedin phone, I keep that thing too close and anyone who knows how desperately hard it is to get gigs without pouncing on them within seconds knows that having half an eye on that bastard Facebook comedy bastarding forum!!

Also now I'm podcasting I have been listening to a few podcasts so while I was working away in the warehouse; a warehouse that I single handedly organised from a confused mess to a work of warehouse art, warehouse porn even!! (Yeah I'm taking that too seriously)
I'd have my podcasts running all day, thing is a colleague was not a fan of me doing this and said colleague went to the management to report my naughty naughty podcast and occasional email  addiction..... And boom the Alan Sugar finger was pointed at me and I was whisked off in a black cab to appear on radio 1... Well ok I walked off to the train station and today appeared on Lancashire tv but it's just as glamorous!

So that's it, fired in the least rock and roll way and I can't even get decent material from it.... Although I will bloody try, and while I'm gutted to be kicked into touch and feel kinda embarrassed to hear people passing on the message I got fired!, and for it to be so out of the blue like this was a shock but...it does kind of put my so called comedy career back in my own hands, I have no excuses now I guess (is being shit at comedy an excuse?)

From this point I guess I should drag myself out of bed as normal, hit the gym as I would do and then treat writing etc as my job between the 9 and 5... Let's see how long that shit lasts.

J x

Monday 11 January 2016

I can only apologise

I was just sitting at home the other day minding my own business when a massive bandwagon rolled past.

It was the comedy podcast bandwagon and I hopped right on board, swiftly realising podcasting takes a lot more effort than just talking at microphone.

My 1st attempt was okish, until I went to edit it and heard the sound of my own voice.... Fuuuuck!! I sound like someone has stuffed socks in the mouth of the spotty kid from Simpsons and asked him to talk bollocks!!

I can only apologise to anyone who has had a conversation with me, that must be irritating, it's astonishing I have any friends!!

Now I know everyone feels that way about their own voice (apart from piers Morgan maybe) but does everyone yell at recordings of themselves to SHUT UP YOU FUCKTARD!

I just spew utter utter nonesense! And the sooner I stop this behaviour the better!

That said I am quite enjoying the podcasting with 2 podcasts running at the present, one based on sports betting and the other somewhat narcissistic all named the Jim Bayes show is based on mysteries at the moment with a series of things such as Lord Lucan and Bigfoot both recorded already and crop circles, the Roswell incident and the Black Dhalia to follow.

I'll have guests along to discuss the subjects in question and let's see where this next attempt to forge some kind of career from comedy takes me.

There's a lot of other acts on this bandwagon and some of them are doing a bloody great job (I particularly liked Lee Kyle's 21 questions)

Thing is, it's all just part of a journey (yes I called comedy a journey what of it?) that will either end with the glory of headlining at the dog and moose in kirkdale on middleoffuckingnowhereville with 6 open spots for company and a grand fee of £125 when it cost £90 in fuel to get there, or some awful failure!!

Either way, 2016 has started, I've not gigged yet and I still bloody love stand up comedy.

J x

Monday 4 January 2016

Koalas aren't impressed

2016 is here, yknow, in case you missed it... Time for all the new year new me stuff, because it's easy to be a new you, or me, for the month of January.

There's dry January going on at the moment, because nothing quite says healthy like having one month in 11 off something!!


If you're going to do something then great set about doing it in Jan but don't do it just for Jan, a short term goal is great but aim higher. 

I've been aiming higher for a while now, mainly because I'm sick of getting piss on my shoes but we all have to have our mini goals!

Fat me, when the highest thing I'd aim for was the biscuit tin (thankfully times havechanged and so have I)

I have been aiming higher as an act too, but not been putting in the hard yards properly, which is an all too common mistake. Working hard on something needs an element of mental toughness, which is useful as I've been described as both tough and mental in the past however offensive that may be to those with actual mental challenges!

It also needs strategic thinking, goal setting & hugely important accountability setting. Accountability is the thing I'll talk about here, as a stand up who writes countless notes on my phone that I think are hilarious only to do the square route of naff all with. 

They don't even make sense now, I read through utterly be used as to what my poor excuse of a brain was doing! 

here's an example 

I wouldn't bat an aye lid cos it's above an eye and my bat is heavy 


Local campaign
Knives are for cowards.... say the government that drops bombs 

Killing a bear might be impressive but koalas aren't impressed... Yeah!! WTF???

Accountability required to get these ramblings written into jokes and keep evolving.

Said accountability could come from a group of fellow acts, 2 or 3 is sufficient but more if needed. Organise to get together once a week, once a fortnight, whatever works best... And write the shit out of my comedy.  Just go to costa, pay way too much for a coffee that will be cold before you finish it, maybe bounce ideas off each other but just write.

Be each other's accountability buddies, so one week we maybe can't be bothered but at least one accountability buddy kicks arse and we go do it, sure no one can force anyone because we are grown ups and we can be bellends but hey if you're accountable to other people then maybe the things you're trying to do might just last beyond one month.

All that said, it remains to be seen if I'm going to improve at all no matter how many times I may be beaten around the head with the funny stick but hey, at least I will have lots of distinctly average stuff rather than just some distinctly average stuff.

Happy new year by the way!!

J x