No one says anything

So I mentioned last week I was going to have a change of pace in this blog, find some fun topical stories and be all witty maybe even finding some future material in the process, but having sat staring at my screen for 45 minutes (which has at least meant I've not been paying attention to Leeds Uniteds woeful offering) I've decided to sack that off and just stick to my usual word vomit.

I had an eventful weekend, travelling to Bristol for a gig I decided to hang around post performance and see the headliner in action, chat with the organiser and just take my time... Errrrrrror!

Got back to the car along with one liner merchant Jack Shanik to find it locked in a car park overnight, I took it well and definitely didn't kick a wall in anger. I support there are worse situations I could have found myself in, for a start having someone to shar the cost of the hotel helped (£42 each but they tried to charge us £3 each more the cheeky monkeys)

I could have not had any money, or my phone, or instead of Jack with me it could have been a rabid goat with a toothache, which we all know could happen!

Blatant yet weak attempt at being funny aside it was frustrating but as things in comedy go it's not the most frustrating.

Following on from last week Cheggersgate I remember someone mentioning to me that I joke I do is very similar to one that's being done already... Now the guy saying it was not trying to be helpful to me as I was an open spot nobody at the time (as opposed to the paid work nobody I've become today)

Either way I stopped doing the joke despite finding out the original was different (And I call it the original because it was out 1st, this terminology is not intended to incriminate your honour)

Thing is I saw an act do a "step ladder, not my real ladder" joke and I didn't want to be that dick that's says something, the act may not know its a Harry hill one... But then again he never will if no one says anything.

I was MCing a new act comp not long back and the guy who won it did a lot of unoriginal jokes, I mentioned this to the organiser who said he hadn't heard the jokes before so no issue. 

In fact many of the acts I see at pro and new level do things that are similar or the same as what some others do... So, how do we resolve it? Well for a start more people need to be THAT GUY (or girl) and just mention it. All acts need to agree if someone says they have heard your stuff before then it's worth googling to see if it's out there.

Maybe this comedy guild thing may help? I don't know much about it and I'm certain it's designed to protect pro acts but perhaps if you join there could be a way to date stamp and protect your jokes.

In fact maybe something like the guild should be a minimum standard that all promoters and acts should aspire too, if you don't have a guild standard (or something similar) you can still perform but having it proves you are meeting certain chriteria (not steeling jokes, running a well organised gig)

For someone new to performing like myself (I've been involved in comedy for 10 years this year) who now earns about 65% of my income from comedy it would be nice to have a way of saying I've hit a certain standard not artistically but in terms of my conduct that makes me, for example, a guild standard act, the artistic side of course is subjective.

I'm not sure how something like this would work but in an ideal world comedy would have a standard and a kind of governing body.

For now, just a load of attention whores fighting for the scraps of a once busier industry.

J x

I stole a joke, So what?

I'm a day late getting this out, I'm a day late getting this out because Jed and Andy came to my house to have a day of writing together, I'm a day late getting this out because Jed and Andy came to my house to do some writing together but we ended up talking about all the people in comedy that piss us off and the reasons why (its a small list but there are some French showers ((Douches)) out there)
I'm a day late getting this out because Jed and Andy came round to do some writing and we ended up going to see Deadpool (it was good but no where near the level some people seem to suggest, I'm just not comic book nerdy enough)
So that's that.

I had a weekend, wasn't good wasn't bad was just a weekend. Given that I now rely solely on stand up to provide an income I could say it was a bad weekend as £100 worth of gig was cancelled on Friday, my 3rd cancellation in 2 weeks that coming after I joked that acts are bullshitting when they claim gigs have been cancelled.
Alas I could not get myself booked on anything else and as I emailed promoters telling them of my cancellation even I thought it there was an aroma of bullshit emanating from the message.

Saturday I was booked in for a trial gig 240 miles away near Brighton for £10 English pounds (thats worth £10 in today's money!) something that would cost me 5 hours 45 mins driving there and 4 hours 15 getting back for 10 mins on stage in front of in the end 11 people.... sounds awful right?
it was in fact a lovely gig and well worth the travel especially as I attempt to build a little bit more of a Southern profile.
That's necessary because I'm incredibly bad at shouting the loudest about how good I am in the North and so struggle to show up on anyone's radar long enough to be considered remotely decent.

Thing is I am stuck in some kind of paradox where I hate every thing I do and I'm frustrated it's not better yet I'm so very aware I can make people laugh and have the ability to swagger about the stage like I own it.
So why can't I shout loudly? choosing to blog instead like a meek schoolboy writing down his thoughts in a (very public through choice) diary (I do like blogging though)

There was an opportunity for me to join in with some comics all shouting loudly against Cheggers as he clearly was nicking jokes and using them on his app but I just could't bring myself to join in, odd really as I agree with the Comedian community standing up in a different way, this being for their right to be credited for their work. Thing is, some acts were just getting involved simply to say they were blocked by him (he was twitter blocking anyone vocal about the joke theft and some acts who were kicking off should probably try google their own material before shouting up about nicked stuff, although Cheggers was blatantly nicking jokes and some of these acts may have just accidentally come up with something similar to whats out there (I have done that and ditched anything too similar although kept my throwing up all over a girl story that I have been accused of nabbing because its a true story and fuck off thats why )

Non comedy people thinking that joke theft isn't so bad by the way... its bad because thinking of an original joke, writing it, driving to a gig in a pub in the middle of nowhere to test it, tweaking and re writing it, testing it again, getting it perfect, driving all across the country trying to earn meagre wages that have not increased in the 11 years I have been involved in comedy (most of that as promoter) only for some prick to take credit on twitter and you to have audience members tell you they have heard it before thus possible costing you an opportunity to further earn a living..... not cricket!!

It's great that team comedy got together to yell at Cheggars, I'm pleased to see the industry if there really is one, stand up for itself like this although no one is ever going to say, "I stole a joke, so what" but its still worth while asking them the question.
 I suppose I could have joined in, got myself blocked and been part of it, and I'm not criticising those that did but I am just rubbish at making myself welcome in the social environment of anything and so..... I drive 240 miles to build a profile elsewhere!

Shouting loudly on Facebook or twitter, being full of beans in green rooms, being able to fake it until you make it seem to be outside of my remit, but then as I have mentioned in the past, there is no defined path so I shall continue to plug away and to be fair having no dayjob now has really benefited me, I have a much more healthy looking diary these days, go me!

Thank you again for reading my ramble, I shall be slightly changing pace from this week forth blogging about my take on the worlds news stories weekly with a monthly ramble about my experiences being a mediocre stand up.

J x

Dying on stage

Here lies Jim, died more times than Sean bean! If ever Stu Goldsmith wants to interview a nobody with aspirations I'm ready for that question.

Dying on stage was something I was terrified of, well that and the sea (it's a big scary wet death ok), those and not progressing quickly enough I suppose especially given my age. 

As my 4 year comedy birthday is only about 3 weeks away the fear of death is completely gone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of falling out of aeroplanes but I'd still prefer not to.

Thing is I think I need to die a few times now in order to actually start to kick on, not only die but maybe stop wanting everyone from every demographic to like me.... It would never work out that way anyway and you could only ever have wafer thin comedy of everyone loves it.

In fact if you really want to be loved you have to be ready to be hated... I said that a few weeks back and it's a good job I meant it because there are some people out there all too ready to hate, but yknow, they are fucktards (is fucktard an insult? I called a guy dickwash in a road rage incident today, is that an insult? Telling an irate van driver "calm down dick wash" doesn't help that situation) though and I care not about the opinion of a fucktard!

I mentioned last week as my loyal readers or victims will recall had my outing at Leicester comedy festival this week.

It was the opportunity for me to really push out some of my genuine opinions as well as being honest about my battle with demons (mental ones I'm not a witch or an extra from Charmed)

It's quite amusing to me to see the reaction of an audience when I talk of the day I considered suicide compared to a joke I did about killing myself to escape a relationship, same subject totally different context and very very different reactions although the pay of when I get to the joke worked so well I could not have been more pleased that I actually turned to a guy and said "thank fuck you all laughed at that"

I also got some mileage from some of the subjects I wanted to talk more about like the freedom of speech vs the I'm so offended by everything extremes and why fat shaming works, of course trying to get my point across without bullying anyone was the difficulty.

There have been a few audiences that immediately switched off when I have brought up certain subjects or taken me literally and forgotten that they are at a comedy club and as a result I have died, I will keep on dying until I've tweaked these things so that I have enough of me and my personality in my comedy and not this fake, hide behind cheap laughter guy that I was at the start.

Leicster was nice, they were apathetic at times but I'll take that as they filled my donation box with coins (not all copper either) and even a couple of notes went in which is always nice!

I didn't die but there were parts of the set that certainly would if I don't play about with them a bit, all in all I feel it's worth while having a solo hour and this has cemented my decision to go to Edinburgh although perhaps taking a double handed instead of the full solo hour.

Best get back on the writing re writing and writing again train (there is no such train it's just a coffee shop)

J x

Jack Daniels & Battery acid

It's Leicster festival this week, I've done very little to push my slice of that particular pie as I've been distracted but I'm rather focussed on making sure it's an hour of funny!

I've done an hour show before, my self promoted solo mini tour (yeah that was a thing) with Dave Rivers and Ross Brielrely  was, well interesting... My 1st night of that was at the rubber chicken room in headingley, Leeds. That's the venues name, it's not a kinky late night spot for gimp fetish poultry, but sadly I think it no longer exists despite being a belting venue holding 40, a little air raid shelter of  a venue that had skill fully avaded fire regs inspectors.

The one thing that really made that venue interesting was the lack of alcohol license, so the 2 nights of my solo effort were advertised as being you own booze

The 1st night was packed (yeah 40 is packed) absolute sell out, venue rammed with Jim Bayes fans.... By Jim Bayes fans I mean family, friends and people I could bully into coming, back then a great idea just ensure its full... Not something I'd do now, not least because they have all seen my show and.... Well I suspect they would rather go watch the go compere guy in concert than have to do that pretend laugh and then never talk about it again.

I actually though as they wouldn't be comedy fans as such that the 1st night of the show would be dreadful, muted and polite but not a proper gig but I was wrong it was actually a belter... So with that in mind, the second night, the one with actual comedy bookings, people I'd not forced to come... Possible comedy fans, that was going to be a night to remember.

Again sold out I wasn't wrong, it was a night I'll never ever ever forget. It started with the guests filtering in, each with a full box of beers and litre bottles of Bacardi , Smirnoff , Jack Daniels & Battery acid!!

They filtered in all 40 of them and they sat like the cast of Beverly hillbillies if it was set in Yorkshire, staring with empty faces, all 40 of them, the combined IQ of the room was 7!

Ross and Dave did well to get them to even understand that a joke is a thing intended to make one laugh and need not be taken literally! In fact given the was the night went, they smashed it... I think it's fair to describe their performances as 11 out of 10 given the circumstances with which they had to work.

By the time I was due on stage the room resembled the bar scene from Gremlins, an audience that you shouldn't get wet or feed after midnight.

I can't be sure if the picture is from the gig or a movie still from Gremlins!

The moment that really sticks with me is that one woman was so drunk; she fell off her chair and broke the chair in front with her face... Then got up and completely denied having fallen in the 1st place, she actually got angry with me for asking if she was ok!!

So that is the measure of solo hours I have to work with... Leicster, this should be a lot more normal and a little more funny! 

I shall most likely report on how it went next week.

Being bored

I read a thing today, the fact I read it all without becoming distracted by a cat surfing or someone getting overly excited about deadpool (I had to google deadpool too) may take away some of the strength of what I am about to say but still I feel it's worth mentioning.

The thing was about how people need to get their faces out of their phones or tablets and go back to being bored now and then!!

Yeah... Really... That's an actual suggestion made by an actual journalist. Missing being bored is like missing standing on a upturned plug, no one has said, remember that feeling, I'd love another slice of that. 

At no point in history has someone said they would much rather not have access to a means to contact people on the other side of the world, or the ability to see photos taken from space, or instantly find a fact that resolves an argument.

I can't remember ever hearing anyone complain that they can watch all kinds of movies in various languages made by all levels of filmmaker and not just the big ones marketed at us with ambiguous billboards (fuck you deadpool) or read almost every book... Or even better listen to a audio recording or many of them to avoid being distracted by a surfing cat or fucking deadpool fans!!

The idea that our phones or tablets are turning us into dumbed down zombies is bollocks (oh the irony that I couldn't put that more eloquently), these devices provide us with so much information, so many ways to learn and better ourselves... I've never known so much about my own body, how our food is sourced why fruit is pretty much as bad as chocolate bars (it's still better to eat fruit but oh lordy that sugar content, time to tell the apple to get fucked) 

Apples are out but I'm ok with grapes...

These smart phones and tablets may be made by corporate money making machines (another Apple that can fuck off) and may be hideously overpriced on certain brands but they make our lives better, much like cars do although unlike cars I don't think 12 people a day are killed and hundreds injured by phones and tablets... That said, there almost certainly should be a rule against operating one while drunk.

To give the article some credit it was referring to the people who waste time on Facebook just perusing, which I agree... I'm so sick of Facebook (but annoyingly need it) I'd sooner repeatedly beat my testicles with a spoon than log in these days (OK as mentioned I kinda need it and also I've hidden my spoons & the lads are safe) 

The people who are dumbed down by having a smart device would be dumbed down anyway, they are people who take the easy option and hu rite fings in da simplist wey dat dey can cz dey ain't lerned not2 .

Those that use devices to learn and grow would learn and grow anyway too but to have all this information is wonderful..... Or do I really believe that?

Well actually... No... Because the smug twats have too much information  in their soft, never done a days graft, fairy liquid hands and can't stop wanking on at everyone about how right they are and how fucking wrong everyone else is!!

I think it's actually time to switch off the internet, organise a weekly wrestle, bully the loser a bit and then think about what we have learned while arguing that a tomato is a fruit without means to prove it.

I wonder how well we would get on as a species now if the electricity and Internet just went all shergar on us and vanished. It would amuse me greatly if Bear Ghryls , Grhyls? Grills? Fuck it Ray Mears... Was the 1st to start panicking!! Running down the street smeared in shit yelling it's all a lie I had access to wickepedia and a kettle the whole time!!

I think I should try giving up the tinterweb for a week, see how far I get... I'd have to delegate someone the job of keeping up with the comedy forums to keep my gigs ticking over mind (yeah because I'm flat out busy!! *sobs)

I may just try this.. I may as soon as I've finished this blog go straight back to my YouTube documentary on the Sasquatch I was watching (for research!) one things for certain, Im not going to be bored.

J x