The Struggle

This is my comedy blog, because blogging is still a thing in 2016, I would do a tapestry or maybe even Jims comedy cave paintings if I wanted to be all retro, but blogging is still a thing!

Although it is my comedy blog, yesterday I took some time out from the funny to cycle 108 miles round North Yorkshire (I forgot that I signed up to this sportive and was set for a Hull weekend doing funny and getting drunk/ diseased in Spiders!!)

This cycle event served as a good analogy for my comedy, it was hard work, it took a lot out of me and it wasn't funny!! (I'm well funny ignore insecure me!!)

To be fair the struggle is a good name for the event and very much a good name for working as a comedian, comics who have been going 10 years plus keep pointing out how hard it's become, I thought it would be easy and there would be girls and money!! (I didn't but it would have made me less likely to want to cry every morning!!)

If insecure me is annoying well past me is a little bellend! Past me signed up for this event known as the Struggle because it thought future me would still be working a 9-5 and just doing the odd gig now and then whereas future me which is now present me is busy driving up and down the motorways/ cone storage roads of England and occasionally Wales 3 times a week, writing daily (including an attempt at some kind of collection of all these blogs I've been doing since 2012) and also trying to remain as fit as possible without any routine which is difficult although probably because I allow myself the excuse of calling it difficult.

Difficult by the way is not what I'd call the Struggle, calling the struggle difficult is like calling climbing Everest tricky... It's bleedin horrendous is what it is!! Nothing short of horrendous!! What kind of idiot thinks cycling up hills all afternoon is good idea!! It took me 9 hours... 9 fucking hours with that saddle up my arse!!! It feels like it's still there, I've been walking like I shit my pants for most of today, I may have done, I don't know because my arse is numb!!

A standard Yorkshire crowd at the 30 mile mark, there was even a baa! (Sorry)

My bleedin head is clearly just as numb, I've signed up for 2 more of these bastarding cycle punishments!! It's possible that the views are the only thing that made it more enjoyable than being repeatedly hit in the bollocks with a rolling pin!!

The one connection this has to the ol stand up thingy is at least 15 times during that ride I wanted to give up because I felt like I could not do it or at least not do it well enough, well that's just ridiculous, tell yourself that and that's what will happen.

I recently saw a clip of an act who if I'm being fair was rubbish, that's the nicest thing I could say if their act, it lacked any self awareness and the persona was both pathetic and needy like that of a bullying victim and smug and high status which is I guess unique.. But that act must have worked harder than any other because it wasn't natural to them to be funny and yet this clip that was posted on a forum was very much one of an act you'd probably book, that kind of improvement shows that sometimes it's talent and sometimes it's graft, a bit of both is useful too.

Right, I'm off to book a masseuse 

J x

Awful but true

I vowed not to do competition comedy anymore after my attitude towards a gong show late last year saw me survive barely 70 seconds maybe because I called the audience a rowdy set of cunts mainly because they were a rowdy set of cunts!

I thought to be competing against other acts when the best comedy is when all acts smash it like one big team rather than competing against against each other is the best way for comedy to get its boom back.

I'm not sure there will be a boom of course but comedy is a bit all over the place right now and a lot of these competitions can help the stronger acts shine which is great but other acts buckle under pressure or overthink it or focus on themselves and not the night. It's not the same as the clubs I used to go to where 4 acts and a compere would one by one rip a room to bits with brilliant jokes or ridiculous silliness but competition seems to make me feel like I want acts to do badly.

That's awful but true, I never want acts to do badly and I'd love full comedy clubs every week with everyone having a great time. Too much of an ideal world that.

I died on my bumhole too! I've had about 3 gigs go like that in the past 4 weeks so I can safely say that my mind focusing on this Edinburgh set I'm writing but don't dare perform yet (it's not polished) is making me go back to hating the stuff I currently do and it's getting detrimental.

I'd beat myself up about it but in a weeks time I'll rip a gig feel great and remember that none of this matters, what's happening now is all steps on the path to death!! Ok I should be more positive, on the path to success. 

Not caring I did badly tonight feels like a turning point of its own.

J x

Washed up corporate act

Baking hot this weekend, "you could fry an egg in this" my mate says, to be fair I've fried eggs in winter but I get his point.

This weekend I was enjoying the sun from the comfort of the car as usual. Been over to the Isle of Wight, so that's that cherry popped! I was meant to be supporting Bobby Davro (it was a supporting spot not one of those, I'm on a line up with a tv comic so I'm basically supporting them" type posts and who brags about supporting Bobby Davro anyway??)

Sadly Bobby had some worrying news in his family so we got last min replacement Keith O Keef!!! Wow this guy started comedy 3 years before I was born!! The words old school spring to mind and when I saw him I genuinely and somewhat unfailly thought he was a washed up former corporate act.

He was actually a real nice bloke and although doing nothing to suggest his years of experience had given him a slice of originality he held the audience attention and brought laugh after laugh from stuff that could have been in his set easily 20 years.

I'm not sure the type of comics the circuit produces today would be able to do that, I think most acts would have had enough to of the sound of their own bullshit after 30 years max! It's a different beast now to when I started 4 and a halfish years ago even.

I have some work to do too, really it's going to take some graft. I saw an act post a little celebratory moment from a recent gig where they had smashed it. Fair play and well done, but I don't want to be in that position.

I'm taking nothing away from said act, it's great to do well and have nice things to say about yourself on Facebook, while you do that there will also be some souless cunt either hating you for having the temerity to have some sense of self worth or considering you arrogent for sharing it. So with that in mind enjoy your victories but for me it's not enough.

It's not enough to smash the odd gig and be so proud of that, I need to be ripping the roof off everything, and I'm a millions miles away from doing that right now!

If you've seen the movie the Martian, 1stly how the fuck did Sean Bean survive? He never survives? He would have been a comedian if it wasn't for all the deaths in certain!! But 2ndly that film is a great metaphor for my 'career'

I'm pretty decent at what I do, I'm on with some great people at most gigs now but one night things go wrong and they seem to think I've died and so carry on without me.

I've not died I'm just stuck in planet average jokes and need to work out how the fuck I'm going to become good enough at what I do to not ont beat the odds of fading away on planet shit jokes but to become something special and when I get back to earth I'm capable of much much more.

Ok that analogy isn't great but my point is I'm aware now more than ever how much I'm going to have to evolve as a performer and writer to be where I want to be, exciting, unstoppable and smashing every gig.

It's not just a dream, it's a thing we all could do, just most of us give up when it's tricky... Well let's just see in a few years if I gave up or have I made it back to earth!!!

J x

Skilfully oversold

Because comedy is so glamorous normally, I mean what's more glamourous than standing in the corner of a pub telling it's disengaged regulars all the funny stuff you thought up in the hope that one day you might get to do that every week and not have a need for real work.

So, again because comedy is so glamourous I decided to book myself in for one of those "be seen" gigs that required me to leave home at 9am on a bus to London, 5 hours later walk for an hour across London (because I can't be fucked with tubes) then wait 45 mins for a lift which takes 3 hours to get to the venue, arriving 1 hour early... For 8 minutes before 3 hours back to London another hours walk and then killing time (just the 5 hours) until 7am bus back home

Yep this is what every act who really wants to make a go of this has done at some point and probably like myself right now they have all sat in the coach station trying to stay awake in case someone mistakes us for a homeless person and kicks us out thinking... Was all that worth it.

I mean, the gig went well, so to that end it was worth it but is all this really what it takes? 

Possibly what it takes is just writing funny and original stuff but then I see some of that acts that are doing well and think naaaah... Surely they must know some of those jokes aren't original too!

I reckon it takes balls too, is there a less gender biased way of saying that? But I don't mean guts or bravery or whatever  you'd say to suggest someone has confidence, nah, confidence is a preference for the habitual voyeur of what is known as (park life) 

Ignore that last bit I'm clearly tired!

What I mean is, I really think, despite doing this needy thing where we all want to be liked and lauded and admired by peers... It's really important to not give any fucks what anyone thinks of you.

The less of a fuck you give the more likely you can get away with bare faced online cuntiness, outrageous audience assaults when they are needed, telling the world how good you are despite the fact they have all seen you and know it's only average shit incredibly skilfully oversold.

Seemingly that's what's needed, not trailing all the way to the south coast on a bus flavoured by varying varieties of fart, halitosis and body odour.

I'm not sure this is something that will be on comedy school curriculums and there's every possibility I'm wrong, I have been wrong before, once back in 1997 I think it was.

I still will take the roll up my sleeves and just crack on approach, maybe in a year I'll look back at that decision and think it was the one that got me comitted and locked away from sharp objects in the 1st place.. That or the m25, if I ever have my Micheal Douglas falling down moment it will be there with a shot gun.

One last thing before I go, this aimed at my Leeds local readers, I'll be testing some Edinburgh show material in Leeds on Weds, just some very raw new stuff hence why I haven't invited the masses (you'd think Leeds promoters would book me given how much I'd fill their gig!!) but if you're about and fancy justifying your decision to not be a

Comedian come see me, Hirsts Yard from 8pm free in with a bucket for donations to the acts at the end.

J x

Beacon of success

Been a bit stressed this week! You'd think having a job that means I can stay in bed past midday and spend all of Monday catching up on the weekends sport would be easier but now I rely on the funnies for the monies it mean sending 8 zillion emails a day.

When sending an email to a promoter I try and be as polite in my terminology as possible as well a remaining light hearted, yknow because comedy n stuff!!

But I also have to be self aggrandising or at the very least sell myself a bit... How's that supposed to work when I feel like all

I'm really doing is winging it and at any moment I'm going to be found out and ordered to return to a normal job and stop putting comedian on my Facebook profile (if you work for Aviva insurance I'm still an Entrepreneur running a writing and entertainment business!!!)

Thing is, every bugger is winging it... Pretty much everyone halfway to a gig thinks what the fook am I doing? 

Everyone is dealing with the fact that all we are doing is talking at a room full of strangers for 20 minutes so we can have food instead of turning up at the office Monday to Friday.

I thought for so long I was the only one just flapping about in the comedy pool while everyone else has their set plan and steadily climbs up that ladder that really doesn't exist.

Imagine my shock when I found out there were people seeing my progress and the steady evolution of my writing (yeah it's very steady!) as some kind of beacon of success.

Someone even said they look up to me and can't believe it to be long before I'm huge (although that may have been reference to my eating habits as they steadily get worse since turning veggie!)

They think they are winging it and I'm following a set path climbing the comedy ladder that doesn't really exist.

So I was chatting about this to an act I look up to, who's been going yonks, done tv work, headlines across the country and I told him I was winging it when people seem to think I'm going somewhere and tickle my tits till Tuesday he's only bloody winging it too!!

Yet somehow he's climbing that comedy ladder that maybe exists.

Makes me wonder if those involved with writing the bible were just winging it, like they had no real idea what they were doing but just started writing down stories terrified they were going to get found out and could not believe it when the masses were taking it in and buying every word even the bits where there were talking bushes and 5000 people rocking up to a bbq (to only get a bit of fish and bread!!) at a time when Facebook event invites weren't a thing!

All of a sudden they are climbing the biblical ladder that is definitely real.

I think it's ok to wing it, just keep winging it until you're looking back on a career you can't believe you got away with and tell yourself whatever you want because you almost certainly deserved your career no matter what you did.

J x

George Carlin wasn't superb

I'm on a train!! Yeah!! A gig that I've not had to drive to! 

I don't like driving in London because I imagine stapling my bollocks to a cactus to be more appealing.

It's good to take a train to a gig though, I can fall asleep en route, I could do that driving too but it's not advised.

I don't need to stop for toilets either, bonus! Although I won't go for a poo on a train, this is because of the train crashes it's bound to be at this point.

I know a crashing train is bad no matter what but I don't want to survive if they find me naked from the waist down covered in my own and many other people's excrement, clutching what's left of the handrail still trying to figure out if the sliding door thing is just going to randomly open.

Anyway that awful imagery aside I was chatting with someone the other day who was insistent that as a comedian, our job is to educate and make a point, something which I disagree with. 

So often I see clips of Carlin with people raving about how spot on he was and I watch for 20 minutes as he tells maybe 2 jokes and spends the rest of the time dropping truth bombs... That's not comedy to me.

I'm not saying George Carlin wasn't superb at what he did but he was more a lecturer than a comic. 

There's a place for that, there's a place for education within comedy but primarily for me comedy is, make them laugh.

Ok so there's way more to it than that, personally I believe if you can make a point and it's hilarious then that's ideal but 1st and foremost it needs to be hilarious, just making a point is not what your average punter wants.

So maybe I'm just looking from a club comic or club punter point of view but I I would say that 80% of audiences are just that, the 20% of course, comedy savvy or fans to of specific comedy are the ones we all want at our gigs but the staples are these guys who buy their comedy ticket hoping to have a laugh not hoping learn something.

Of course not all audiences are deserving of the laughs, for a start anyone who just switches off once they see a female act (fellas it happens more than we realise) deserves to have his ticket taken from him and used to create paper cuts on the purple monster end of his tallywacker!

Anyone who thinks it's appropriate to just shout out whatever they like whenever they see fit should have their lips glued shut with dogshit in smeared over them so they have no choice but to inhale it, yeah we have to deal with your shit now have a whiff of some of ours!!

But my point, if I'm making one instead of just trying to be funny is, you don't have to make a point, and those that are adamant you do, who also seem adamant it's a regressive left wing point that has to be made (not all!) 

Andrew Lawrence for example tried to make a point, instead of allowing that point to be considered valid and engaging with him and challenging it he was called a cunt and blocked by many!!

So actually is making a point in comedy only considered valid when it's the same point as everyone is making?

Meh, I'm shrugging my shoulders thinking more about trying to be as funny and original as possible more than trying to say something political.

Comedy is magical and comes in many forms, but let's not assume there's something wrong with a good nob gag!

J x

Who wants racist pie

Having covered over 800 miles again last week I found myself in the not unfamiliar position of being sat still in the fast lane of the m1 waiting for the debris of yet another accident caused by some baffoon who seems incapable of driving safely.

I sat, snapchatting away my roadside pain, after having grovelled to a promoter that despite leaving the house at 2.15pm or 14.15 if you prefer... Or if you're one of those idiots 2.15pm in the afternoon, I would be late for my 8pm stage time.

I also spent some time thinking, should I just get a proper job? I mean what's wrong with maybe selling insurance or serving ice cream? Maybe I could go back to window cleaning, I mean you can't really die on your arse as a window cleaner can you? 

Sure you get heckled still, the classic "missed a bit" is so funny the 18th time you hear it each day. 

But I've never climbed down a ladder after giving some guttering a clean and though, yep, died on my arse there, started badly and the gutter just didn't go with me, just not my type of house and the gutter layout is not good for cleaning.

Maybe I could go back to being a chef, my pub days were so much fun, and at no point did I have someone come up to me after a shift and tell me which other chefs they like then give me a pie recipe that I could use... Who wants a racist pie anyway?

Perhaps I could try something new, I'm at the gym a lot these days (it only doesn't show because I don't post loads of gym updates and we all know your workout is invalid if you don't tell people) maybe I could become a PT?

How many PTs have told someone to do a press up and had them come up after and complain they thought it was not appropriate because their dad died of press ups.

Then the traffic cleared as if by magic, some traffic cop version of Moses just parted the carnage and boom I'm on my way again, got Slipknot playing because I love a loud car journey... It's either that or talk sport but who wants to listen to some idiot from Luton claim Arsenal are still in with a shout of winning the premier league and make nonsensical comments on why England should start have Ramsey in their squad (non football types may need to google why Aaron Ramsey can't play for England)

I then get my gig, I'm fired up, I have a good show, the audience are dead nice apart from that one guy who's dad died of press ups and I honestly can't see myself doing any other job ever!

This will take a lot more hard work but it's bound to be worth it... Because I think window cleaners, Chefs, PT's and anyone with regular jobs are so brave, doing that stuff every day must take some balls.

J x