Remain open spots forever

Wow there's a lot of comedians, loooots of comedians... I think there's about a gazillion comedians, if not there's more, maybe a gazillion and 6.

Some of them will remain open spots for ever and ever, the reasons are varied, maybe they have a dayjob that's holding them back or they secretly fear not having the security of a day job so won't kick on.

Maybe they just want to do this comedy lark for a hobby or they can't travel or they have a family.... Or maybe they are just shite! There's a few who are shite, thankfully for them they are blissfully unaware of how shite they are.

There are a bazillion acts who are good enough to kick on and be fully pro acts but aren't because of the gazillion who went before. It can be annoying, I saw a pro act recently, best paid act on the bill, he was headlining, same set he did 29 million years ago (well ok 10)

Dude just phoned it in, twas good enough for the audience of course but it really proves the point that quality isn't all that's needed in an act. Reliability is key, comedians are like cars, bookers sometimes want the impressive fancy pants Ferrari but really what most what is that trustworthy Volvo. 

I went pro comic in Jan that as well as doing every open spot that seems worthy and whoring myself out to radio stations, podcasters and magazines.

The pro act thing though, yeah, I can say that because I have enough work coming in to not need a dayjob but I imagine some people scoffing... I have been letting what the tothers think of me slow me down, that's been the thing keeping me in open spot land! 

Radio stuff, or shit where's wally?

Fact is just about every other act is like me, they all think they are good enough to deliver but really believe they are shite.

Their opinions about me are not my concern nor are my opinions about others theirs, so that's that dealt with.

I am of course not pro act in the sense of  all the big weekend clubs booking me over and over again, doesn't happen.

I've barely bothered them, why would I want xs malarkey, Manfords (although I have bothered them a little to be fair)

Komedia, comedy store, the comedy club ltd or other big players to be hooking me now when I'm just another guy telling jokes, nope I'm doing as much comedy for as many bookers as I can remaining as much under the radar as is workable so when I pop up an the radar of these guys (hopefully next year) they wonder where the fook I came from and why they haven't been booking me already.

This next few months I think it's fair to say I will be doing pretty much any and every gig thrown my way as I genuinely believe in myself for the 1st time in 4 years.

I got something to give comedy, I'm going to bleedin give it before I get all elderly or dead!

J x

I'm well funny

So... It was brought to my attention that I don't seem to give myself any love in this word vomit of my comedy experiences. 

After my post about perception it was pointed out that maybe this doesn't help (I really don't think any key comedy gate keepers read this but maybe some promoters do I guess so for you guys and girls... I'm well funny) 

Im aware there are acts maybe earning less than me perhaps creating the persona of a pro comic while I still beaver away considering myself a newb.... Although based on what I get I consider myself close enough to a pro act to not be chasing down a new day job... A sort of pro that not many of the big clubs book yet!! 

Although I've not really tried because when I show up on their radar I want to be so polished they see a solid act not a developing one... It's a marathon not a snickers this comedy lark.

Me being hilarious earlier this year.

I maybe don't give myself enough love... I think there's a strong right arm suggesting I have done historically and there in that alone is my reason, a cheap wanking joke... So I don't want to be the cheap wank joke act... But then I gig with a pro act who phones it in and delivers jokes they were doing 12 years ago and think.. While I'm trying to build a person that act is tearing the roof off, bookers are happy with the reliability and professionalism of said act, it's maybe tough.

Then there are alternative nights but they don't book me because I have a crowd pleaser style at the moment which I stand by, almost the kind of thing I'm bemoaning but that's the next thing on my agenda... 

So what if other acts are doing stuff

You or I don't agree with or like, so what if they are talking about a subject you think is hack... I need to worry about one act and one act only and that is me... Improve me as much as possible.

Seeing acts doing well and feeling bitter is a thing that pops up in car shares or green room natter too... I'm one for it now and then but that's going to have to stop (to be fair I'm only bitter about the ones that have been dicks to me)

Why be bitter, just be happy (not through gritted teeth) for other acts... A great night of comedy was like the one I MCd (to perfection!) on Sunday where all 4 acts went down a storm... It's great to have nights like that and all 50 of those punters will be back at comedy for certain. 

Let me try make a point... Leicster city in the back ground and a back and forth about my Edinburgh jaunt have maybe made me meander through this post without getting to one but then again I seldom do! 

I think, for what it's worth, I'm quite good... I'm absolutely not where I want to be and my writing is slowly getting there but I WILL make audiences laugh and I have enough of a non offensive demeanour to not have to try too hard to get people to like me (unless there's a gong!!)

I am funny though!! On purpose, yes I'm terrified that someone is going to tell me they have found me out and my comedy is just a pathetic attempt to be liked (it kinda is!!) but I know I can do a job so this is the nice to myself blog and stop worrying about others.

I've won stuff!! Sure Funny Scunny isn't the big award we all need to know about or 2013 Yorkshire new act of the year isn't particularly national but it's hard for a straight white male in this game... *acts I've he believes that

I am pleased to say in closing that I'm not totally down on myself I just have a lot more hard work to do, but I bloody love it.

Now before I bugger off please allow me to include this link to my podcast in case you fancy a listen to me waffling rather than just read it... It's about mysteries and stuff.... There's some funny bits.

The Jim Bayes Show by Jim Bayes

https://itun.es/gb/IQfrab.c

Obviously promoters are wrong

Well another week that feels like longer, I've been busy, busy being productive... Kind of, I mean I wrote down a list of things I should do, and lists of ways to go about doing the things I should do and lists of things to help me with the ways I should go about the things I should do... But I still haven't done the things.

I've managed to get a load of gig applications in though, that's useful... I could just sit at home and wait to be offered gigs I guess but then I'd not be too busy.

I'm on form at the moment, form is useful because the dogshit that I'm currently peddling I know is funny and therefore I'm able to sell it quite well despite it being without the full depth and meaning that I hope to spout sooner rather than later, of course skills are needed and unlike jokes, skills can't be nabbed from Twitter, I think? If they can then the Internet is scarier than I thought.

But applications have not been as straight forward as my confidence in current form would suggest, obviously promoters are wrong!! Well that's what I tell myself when I don't get booked. Since becoming a comedian this is the 1st time the money I earn from comedy vastly outweighs the money I earn elsewhere and my diary despite some f the frustrations is fuller than Donald Trumps hatemail bin.

But perception is maybe holding me back? I am not moulding myself into this image of precessional comic that everyone should book so despite many recent good performances a couple closing and a couple opening, not my usual paid spot of MC... Well some promoters won't touch me.

Is it because the guys in the north have seen me be shite... I mean it wasn't hard seeing me be shite, you just had to turn up at any one of my gigs and there I was being shite!!

But I'm not shite anymore (this is my own opinion fuck off!) and yet some guys won't book me for a middle spot in Manchester for £30, a trial spot in Liverpool for nowt, an MC spot at a new act night in Barnsley (these are not genuine, just examples of some of the type of gig and location I can't get anywhere with)

Yet in the south and Midlands where they haven't seen me be shite I'm getting £REDACTED (but decent quids) worth of work each month, I have agents enquiring about me (not sure of the point of they are based in Eastbourne or Bristol)

I'm booked to close, I'm booked to open, I'm considered one of the stronger acts of the newbies.... And I allow that/ sell myself that way a bit more.

Maybe I just need to sell myself a bit more nearer to home and change the perception of me that one or two people have... Or maybe I should just be funnier?

J x

No one says anything

So I mentioned last week I was going to have a change of pace in this blog, find some fun topical stories and be all witty maybe even finding some future material in the process, but having sat staring at my screen for 45 minutes (which has at least meant I've not been paying attention to Leeds Uniteds woeful offering) I've decided to sack that off and just stick to my usual word vomit.

I had an eventful weekend, travelling to Bristol for a gig I decided to hang around post performance and see the headliner in action, chat with the organiser and just take my time... Errrrrrror!

Got back to the car along with one liner merchant Jack Shanik to find it locked in a car park overnight, I took it well and definitely didn't kick a wall in anger. I support there are worse situations I could have found myself in, for a start having someone to shar the cost of the hotel helped (£42 each but they tried to charge us £3 each more the cheeky monkeys)

I could have not had any money, or my phone, or instead of Jack with me it could have been a rabid goat with a toothache, which we all know could happen!

Blatant yet weak attempt at being funny aside it was frustrating but as things in comedy go it's not the most frustrating.

Following on from last week Cheggersgate I remember someone mentioning to me that I joke I do is very similar to one that's being done already... Now the guy saying it was not trying to be helpful to me as I was an open spot nobody at the time (as opposed to the paid work nobody I've become today)

Either way I stopped doing the joke despite finding out the original was different (And I call it the original because it was out 1st, this terminology is not intended to incriminate your honour)

Thing is I saw an act do a "step ladder, not my real ladder" joke and I didn't want to be that dick that's says something, the act may not know its a Harry hill one... But then again he never will if no one says anything.

I was MCing a new act comp not long back and the guy who won it did a lot of unoriginal jokes, I mentioned this to the organiser who said he hadn't heard the jokes before so no issue. 

In fact many of the acts I see at pro and new level do things that are similar or the same as what some others do... So, how do we resolve it? Well for a start more people need to be THAT GUY (or girl) and just mention it. All acts need to agree if someone says they have heard your stuff before then it's worth googling to see if it's out there.

Maybe this comedy guild thing may help? I don't know much about it and I'm certain it's designed to protect pro acts but perhaps if you join there could be a way to date stamp and protect your jokes.

In fact maybe something like the guild should be a minimum standard that all promoters and acts should aspire too, if you don't have a guild standard (or something similar) you can still perform but having it proves you are meeting certain chriteria (not steeling jokes, running a well organised gig)

For someone new to performing like myself (I've been involved in comedy for 10 years this year) who now earns about 65% of my income from comedy it would be nice to have a way of saying I've hit a certain standard not artistically but in terms of my conduct that makes me, for example, a guild standard act, the artistic side of course is subjective.

I'm not sure how something like this would work but in an ideal world comedy would have a standard and a kind of governing body.

For now, just a load of attention whores fighting for the scraps of a once busier industry.

J x

I stole a joke, So what?

I'm a day late getting this out, I'm a day late getting this out because Jed and Andy came to my house to have a day of writing together, I'm a day late getting this out because Jed and Andy came to my house to do some writing together but we ended up talking about all the people in comedy that piss us off and the reasons why (its a small list but there are some French showers ((Douches)) out there)
I'm a day late getting this out because Jed and Andy came round to do some writing and we ended up going to see Deadpool (it was good but no where near the level some people seem to suggest, I'm just not comic book nerdy enough)
So that's that.

I had a weekend, wasn't good wasn't bad was just a weekend. Given that I now rely solely on stand up to provide an income I could say it was a bad weekend as £100 worth of gig was cancelled on Friday, my 3rd cancellation in 2 weeks that coming after I joked that acts are bullshitting when they claim gigs have been cancelled.
Alas I could not get myself booked on anything else and as I emailed promoters telling them of my cancellation even I thought it there was an aroma of bullshit emanating from the message.

Saturday I was booked in for a trial gig 240 miles away near Brighton for £10 English pounds (thats worth £10 in today's money!) something that would cost me 5 hours 45 mins driving there and 4 hours 15 getting back for 10 mins on stage in front of in the end 11 people.... sounds awful right?
it was in fact a lovely gig and well worth the travel especially as I attempt to build a little bit more of a Southern profile.
That's necessary because I'm incredibly bad at shouting the loudest about how good I am in the North and so struggle to show up on anyone's radar long enough to be considered remotely decent.

Thing is I am stuck in some kind of paradox where I hate every thing I do and I'm frustrated it's not better yet I'm so very aware I can make people laugh and have the ability to swagger about the stage like I own it.
So why can't I shout loudly? choosing to blog instead like a meek schoolboy writing down his thoughts in a (very public through choice) diary (I do like blogging though)

There was an opportunity for me to join in with some comics all shouting loudly against Cheggers as he clearly was nicking jokes and using them on his app but I just could't bring myself to join in, odd really as I agree with the Comedian community standing up in a different way, this being for their right to be credited for their work. Thing is, some acts were just getting involved simply to say they were blocked by him (he was twitter blocking anyone vocal about the joke theft and some acts who were kicking off should probably try google their own material before shouting up about nicked stuff, although Cheggers was blatantly nicking jokes and some of these acts may have just accidentally come up with something similar to whats out there (I have done that and ditched anything too similar although kept my throwing up all over a girl story that I have been accused of nabbing because its a true story and fuck off thats why )

Non comedy people thinking that joke theft isn't so bad by the way... its bad because thinking of an original joke, writing it, driving to a gig in a pub in the middle of nowhere to test it, tweaking and re writing it, testing it again, getting it perfect, driving all across the country trying to earn meagre wages that have not increased in the 11 years I have been involved in comedy (most of that as promoter) only for some prick to take credit on twitter and you to have audience members tell you they have heard it before thus possible costing you an opportunity to further earn a living..... not cricket!!

It's great that team comedy got together to yell at Cheggars, I'm pleased to see the industry if there really is one, stand up for itself like this although no one is ever going to say, "I stole a joke, so what" but its still worth while asking them the question.
 I suppose I could have joined in, got myself blocked and been part of it, and I'm not criticising those that did but I am just rubbish at making myself welcome in the social environment of anything and so..... I drive 240 miles to build a profile elsewhere!

Shouting loudly on Facebook or twitter, being full of beans in green rooms, being able to fake it until you make it seem to be outside of my remit, but then as I have mentioned in the past, there is no defined path so I shall continue to plug away and to be fair having no dayjob now has really benefited me, I have a much more healthy looking diary these days, go me!

Thank you again for reading my ramble, I shall be slightly changing pace from this week forth blogging about my take on the worlds news stories weekly with a monthly ramble about my experiences being a mediocre stand up.

J x

Dying on stage

Here lies Jim, died more times than Sean bean! If ever Stu Goldsmith wants to interview a nobody with aspirations I'm ready for that question.

Dying on stage was something I was terrified of, well that and the sea (it's a big scary wet death ok), those and not progressing quickly enough I suppose especially given my age. 

As my 4 year comedy birthday is only about 3 weeks away the fear of death is completely gone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of falling out of aeroplanes but I'd still prefer not to.

Thing is I think I need to die a few times now in order to actually start to kick on, not only die but maybe stop wanting everyone from every demographic to like me.... It would never work out that way anyway and you could only ever have wafer thin comedy of everyone loves it.

In fact if you really want to be loved you have to be ready to be hated... I said that a few weeks back and it's a good job I meant it because there are some people out there all too ready to hate, but yknow, they are fucktards (is fucktard an insult? I called a guy dickwash in a road rage incident today, is that an insult? Telling an irate van driver "calm down dick wash" doesn't help that situation) though and I care not about the opinion of a fucktard!

I mentioned last week as my loyal readers or victims will recall had my outing at Leicester comedy festival this week.

It was the opportunity for me to really push out some of my genuine opinions as well as being honest about my battle with demons (mental ones I'm not a witch or an extra from Charmed)

It's quite amusing to me to see the reaction of an audience when I talk of the day I considered suicide compared to a joke I did about killing myself to escape a relationship, same subject totally different context and very very different reactions although the pay of when I get to the joke worked so well I could not have been more pleased that I actually turned to a guy and said "thank fuck you all laughed at that"

I also got some mileage from some of the subjects I wanted to talk more about like the freedom of speech vs the I'm so offended by everything extremes and why fat shaming works, of course trying to get my point across without bullying anyone was the difficulty.

There have been a few audiences that immediately switched off when I have brought up certain subjects or taken me literally and forgotten that they are at a comedy club and as a result I have died, I will keep on dying until I've tweaked these things so that I have enough of me and my personality in my comedy and not this fake, hide behind cheap laughter guy that I was at the start.

Leicster was nice, they were apathetic at times but I'll take that as they filled my donation box with coins (not all copper either) and even a couple of notes went in which is always nice!

I didn't die but there were parts of the set that certainly would if I don't play about with them a bit, all in all I feel it's worth while having a solo hour and this has cemented my decision to go to Edinburgh although perhaps taking a double handed instead of the full solo hour.

Best get back on the writing re writing and writing again train (there is no such train it's just a coffee shop)

J x

Jack Daniels & Battery acid

It's Leicster festival this week, I've done very little to push my slice of that particular pie as I've been distracted but I'm rather focussed on making sure it's an hour of funny!

I've done an hour show before, my self promoted solo mini tour (yeah that was a thing) with Dave Rivers and Ross Brielrely  was, well interesting... My 1st night of that was at the rubber chicken room in headingley, Leeds. That's the venues name, it's not a kinky late night spot for gimp fetish poultry, but sadly I think it no longer exists despite being a belting venue holding 40, a little air raid shelter of  a venue that had skill fully avaded fire regs inspectors.

The one thing that really made that venue interesting was the lack of alcohol license, so the 2 nights of my solo effort were advertised as being you own booze

The 1st night was packed (yeah 40 is packed) absolute sell out, venue rammed with Jim Bayes fans.... By Jim Bayes fans I mean family, friends and people I could bully into coming, back then a great idea just ensure its full... Not something I'd do now, not least because they have all seen my show and.... Well I suspect they would rather go watch the go compere guy in concert than have to do that pretend laugh and then never talk about it again.

I actually though as they wouldn't be comedy fans as such that the 1st night of the show would be dreadful, muted and polite but not a proper gig but I was wrong it was actually a belter... So with that in mind, the second night, the one with actual comedy bookings, people I'd not forced to come... Possible comedy fans, that was going to be a night to remember.

Again sold out I wasn't wrong, it was a night I'll never ever ever forget. It started with the guests filtering in, each with a full box of beers and litre bottles of Bacardi , Smirnoff , Jack Daniels & Battery acid!!

They filtered in all 40 of them and they sat like the cast of Beverly hillbillies if it was set in Yorkshire, staring with empty faces, all 40 of them, the combined IQ of the room was 7!

Ross and Dave did well to get them to even understand that a joke is a thing intended to make one laugh and need not be taken literally! In fact given the was the night went, they smashed it... I think it's fair to describe their performances as 11 out of 10 given the circumstances with which they had to work.

By the time I was due on stage the room resembled the bar scene from Gremlins, an audience that you shouldn't get wet or feed after midnight.

I can't be sure if the picture is from the gig or a movie still from Gremlins!

The moment that really sticks with me is that one woman was so drunk; she fell off her chair and broke the chair in front with her face... Then got up and completely denied having fallen in the 1st place, she actually got angry with me for asking if she was ok!!

So that is the measure of solo hours I have to work with... Leicster, this should be a lot more normal and a little more funny! 

I shall most likely report on how it went next week.