Skilfully oversold

Because comedy is so glamorous normally, I mean what's more glamourous than standing in the corner of a pub telling it's disengaged regulars all the funny stuff you thought up in the hope that one day you might get to do that every week and not have a need for real work.

So, again because comedy is so glamourous I decided to book myself in for one of those "be seen" gigs that required me to leave home at 9am on a bus to London, 5 hours later walk for an hour across London (because I can't be fucked with tubes) then wait 45 mins for a lift which takes 3 hours to get to the venue, arriving 1 hour early... For 8 minutes before 3 hours back to London another hours walk and then killing time (just the 5 hours) until 7am bus back home

Yep this is what every act who really wants to make a go of this has done at some point and probably like myself right now they have all sat in the coach station trying to stay awake in case someone mistakes us for a homeless person and kicks us out thinking... Was all that worth it.

I mean, the gig went well, so to that end it was worth it but is all this really what it takes? 

Possibly what it takes is just writing funny and original stuff but then I see some of that acts that are doing well and think naaaah... Surely they must know some of those jokes aren't original too!

I reckon it takes balls too, is there a less gender biased way of saying that? But I don't mean guts or bravery or whatever  you'd say to suggest someone has confidence, nah, confidence is a preference for the habitual voyeur of what is known as (park life) 

Ignore that last bit I'm clearly tired!

What I mean is, I really think, despite doing this needy thing where we all want to be liked and lauded and admired by peers... It's really important to not give any fucks what anyone thinks of you.

The less of a fuck you give the more likely you can get away with bare faced online cuntiness, outrageous audience assaults when they are needed, telling the world how good you are despite the fact they have all seen you and know it's only average shit incredibly skilfully oversold.

Seemingly that's what's needed, not trailing all the way to the south coast on a bus flavoured by varying varieties of fart, halitosis and body odour.

I'm not sure this is something that will be on comedy school curriculums and there's every possibility I'm wrong, I have been wrong before, once back in 1997 I think it was.

I still will take the roll up my sleeves and just crack on approach, maybe in a year I'll look back at that decision and think it was the one that got me comitted and locked away from sharp objects in the 1st place.. That or the m25, if I ever have my Micheal Douglas falling down moment it will be there with a shot gun.

One last thing before I go, this aimed at my Leeds local readers, I'll be testing some Edinburgh show material in Leeds on Weds, just some very raw new stuff hence why I haven't invited the masses (you'd think Leeds promoters would book me given how much I'd fill their gig!!) but if you're about and fancy justifying your decision to not be a

Comedian come see me, Hirsts Yard from 8pm free in with a bucket for donations to the acts at the end.

J x

Beacon of success

Been a bit stressed this week! You'd think having a job that means I can stay in bed past midday and spend all of Monday catching up on the weekends sport would be easier but now I rely on the funnies for the monies it mean sending 8 zillion emails a day.

When sending an email to a promoter I try and be as polite in my terminology as possible as well a remaining light hearted, yknow because comedy n stuff!!

But I also have to be self aggrandising or at the very least sell myself a bit... How's that supposed to work when I feel like all

I'm really doing is winging it and at any moment I'm going to be found out and ordered to return to a normal job and stop putting comedian on my Facebook profile (if you work for Aviva insurance I'm still an Entrepreneur running a writing and entertainment business!!!)

Thing is, every bugger is winging it... Pretty much everyone halfway to a gig thinks what the fook am I doing? 

Everyone is dealing with the fact that all we are doing is talking at a room full of strangers for 20 minutes so we can have food instead of turning up at the office Monday to Friday.

I thought for so long I was the only one just flapping about in the comedy pool while everyone else has their set plan and steadily climbs up that ladder that really doesn't exist.

Imagine my shock when I found out there were people seeing my progress and the steady evolution of my writing (yeah it's very steady!) as some kind of beacon of success.

Someone even said they look up to me and can't believe it to be long before I'm huge (although that may have been reference to my eating habits as they steadily get worse since turning veggie!)

They think they are winging it and I'm following a set path climbing the comedy ladder that doesn't really exist.

So I was chatting about this to an act I look up to, who's been going yonks, done tv work, headlines across the country and I told him I was winging it when people seem to think I'm going somewhere and tickle my tits till Tuesday he's only bloody winging it too!!

Yet somehow he's climbing that comedy ladder that maybe exists.

Makes me wonder if those involved with writing the bible were just winging it, like they had no real idea what they were doing but just started writing down stories terrified they were going to get found out and could not believe it when the masses were taking it in and buying every word even the bits where there were talking bushes and 5000 people rocking up to a bbq (to only get a bit of fish and bread!!) at a time when Facebook event invites weren't a thing!

All of a sudden they are climbing the biblical ladder that is definitely real.

I think it's ok to wing it, just keep winging it until you're looking back on a career you can't believe you got away with and tell yourself whatever you want because you almost certainly deserved your career no matter what you did.

J x

George Carlin wasn't superb

I'm on a train!! Yeah!! A gig that I've not had to drive to! 

I don't like driving in London because I imagine stapling my bollocks to a cactus to be more appealing.

It's good to take a train to a gig though, I can fall asleep en route, I could do that driving too but it's not advised.

I don't need to stop for toilets either, bonus! Although I won't go for a poo on a train, this is because of the train crashes it's bound to be at this point.

I know a crashing train is bad no matter what but I don't want to survive if they find me naked from the waist down covered in my own and many other people's excrement, clutching what's left of the handrail still trying to figure out if the sliding door thing is just going to randomly open.

Anyway that awful imagery aside I was chatting with someone the other day who was insistent that as a comedian, our job is to educate and make a point, something which I disagree with. 

So often I see clips of Carlin with people raving about how spot on he was and I watch for 20 minutes as he tells maybe 2 jokes and spends the rest of the time dropping truth bombs... That's not comedy to me.

I'm not saying George Carlin wasn't superb at what he did but he was more a lecturer than a comic. 

There's a place for that, there's a place for education within comedy but primarily for me comedy is, make them laugh.

Ok so there's way more to it than that, personally I believe if you can make a point and it's hilarious then that's ideal but 1st and foremost it needs to be hilarious, just making a point is not what your average punter wants.

So maybe I'm just looking from a club comic or club punter point of view but I I would say that 80% of audiences are just that, the 20% of course, comedy savvy or fans to of specific comedy are the ones we all want at our gigs but the staples are these guys who buy their comedy ticket hoping to have a laugh not hoping learn something.

Of course not all audiences are deserving of the laughs, for a start anyone who just switches off once they see a female act (fellas it happens more than we realise) deserves to have his ticket taken from him and used to create paper cuts on the purple monster end of his tallywacker!

Anyone who thinks it's appropriate to just shout out whatever they like whenever they see fit should have their lips glued shut with dogshit in smeared over them so they have no choice but to inhale it, yeah we have to deal with your shit now have a whiff of some of ours!!

But my point, if I'm making one instead of just trying to be funny is, you don't have to make a point, and those that are adamant you do, who also seem adamant it's a regressive left wing point that has to be made (not all!) 

Andrew Lawrence for example tried to make a point, instead of allowing that point to be considered valid and engaging with him and challenging it he was called a cunt and blocked by many!!

So actually is making a point in comedy only considered valid when it's the same point as everyone is making?

Meh, I'm shrugging my shoulders thinking more about trying to be as funny and original as possible more than trying to say something political.

Comedy is magical and comes in many forms, but let's not assume there's something wrong with a good nob gag!

J x

Who wants racist pie

Having covered over 800 miles again last week I found myself in the not unfamiliar position of being sat still in the fast lane of the m1 waiting for the debris of yet another accident caused by some baffoon who seems incapable of driving safely.

I sat, snapchatting away my roadside pain, after having grovelled to a promoter that despite leaving the house at 2.15pm or 14.15 if you prefer... Or if you're one of those idiots 2.15pm in the afternoon, I would be late for my 8pm stage time.

I also spent some time thinking, should I just get a proper job? I mean what's wrong with maybe selling insurance or serving ice cream? Maybe I could go back to window cleaning, I mean you can't really die on your arse as a window cleaner can you? 

Sure you get heckled still, the classic "missed a bit" is so funny the 18th time you hear it each day. 

But I've never climbed down a ladder after giving some guttering a clean and though, yep, died on my arse there, started badly and the gutter just didn't go with me, just not my type of house and the gutter layout is not good for cleaning.

Maybe I could go back to being a chef, my pub days were so much fun, and at no point did I have someone come up to me after a shift and tell me which other chefs they like then give me a pie recipe that I could use... Who wants a racist pie anyway?

Perhaps I could try something new, I'm at the gym a lot these days (it only doesn't show because I don't post loads of gym updates and we all know your workout is invalid if you don't tell people) maybe I could become a PT?

How many PTs have told someone to do a press up and had them come up after and complain they thought it was not appropriate because their dad died of press ups.

Then the traffic cleared as if by magic, some traffic cop version of Moses just parted the carnage and boom I'm on my way again, got Slipknot playing because I love a loud car journey... It's either that or talk sport but who wants to listen to some idiot from Luton claim Arsenal are still in with a shout of winning the premier league and make nonsensical comments on why England should start have Ramsey in their squad (non football types may need to google why Aaron Ramsey can't play for England)

I then get my gig, I'm fired up, I have a good show, the audience are dead nice apart from that one guy who's dad died of press ups and I honestly can't see myself doing any other job ever!

This will take a lot more hard work but it's bound to be worth it... Because I think window cleaners, Chefs, PT's and anyone with regular jobs are so brave, doing that stuff every day must take some balls.

J x

We all know I hate those

It's been a busy few weeks on the ol gig front, my early blogs used to be warts and all gig reviews but reviewing myself isn't really fair or perhaps it's not unfair but it's not objective. That said I am hilarious... So much so that when compering once my mum kindly said after "it's ok you're not meant to be the funny one are you" .

I won't return to self reviewing but I will say I've had a good week, momentum is helpful (although I still don't have a gig this Friday.... Bookers??)

Tuesday was a trip to Alfreton, I was again booked to MC as FaF one of the bookers that see me as a reliable and capable MC because that's what I keep telling them I am!!! (which is great but I've been pigeon holed a wee bit as a result by a handful of bookers in fairness... I can do 20's too!!!)

Weds I filled in last min for an act who was ill as an open 10 and got myself booked for 2 more gigs as a result and then Friday... Well that was not so good, the Easter hols causing the gig to have poor/ no real audience, to be fair the 2 guys that stuck it out til the end werereal connoisseurs of comedy so much so they were able to identify an act they weren't listening to was shit!! Good work

Saturday was a trip to lovely Blackpool for a most enjoyable 20 and as luck would have it I'll be returning there a couple of times before the year is out all being well too.

So floating highly on a waft of delusional self belief I email a couple of bookers I'm not working for and speculatively apply for a gig, happy to still do open spots because how the fuckedy boo will I get seen if I don't take a chance working for nowt... Although some bookers remove the urine, one in particular told me after I was paid £20 to MC (life changing!!) that I overran (by 1 minute and that was to deal with a heckler that piped up just as I was getting an act to the stage) that I could not apply for more paid work yet but I could do another gong show!!! 

I know... Lols!!

But I am happy to do open spots still despite changing the way I'm perceived (pro act now innit) given that I'm now gigging pretty much all weekend every weekend (still not this Friday btw... Don't think I've mentioned, Leeds bookers? I'm not saying all 800 of my mates will come but a lot will!!)

The response however to one of my applications for work was quite interesting, I was told I have been seen before (discovered it was back in 2012) and the Booker needs to be sure I'm not racist or sexist!

Now, I've never been either... I'm narcissist but there's no mention of race in my stuff at all and my story about a big girl named Julie is a reversal of the idea that being laddy is the best approach.

This was 2012 I was very new and used to gig in a flat cap and tweed jacket to ham up the Yorkshire as well as to hide behind it a bit. I'd have had a whippet too but the only one I could get was black and female and we all know I hate those bitches.

Needless to say I was offended (oh the irony) by this rejection but responded to thank the Booker for at least responding and of course politely confirm I'm not either of the 1st 2 ists!

A somewhat chubbier flat cap and tweed wearing 2012 me!

In fact what then happened was a nice email exchange in which I was invited to send a clip I film this week for future reference and the Booker telling me my attitude was refreshing.

You see no one likes being told they aren't wanted, they aren't good enough or they aren't the right fit.... And no one at all wants to be incorrectly called racist or sexist... Homophobic I have no issues with (calm down fucknuckle it's a joke)

It seems that taking these things personally however would have been a shot in the foot and understanding it's not personal and just continuing to plug away is currently my best friend... Both the above mentioned Bookers will be paying me to perform at their clubs soon and despite my apparent stubbornness some of the advice offered by them both (swear less ((what a cunt)) and don't overrun ((this blog is longer than usual)) are always worth taking on board even if I don't run with the advice.

It basically pays to listen to what's being said to you when someone gives reason not to book you, it's never personal and there are ways to change their mind so you know, don't take rejection so bad, you'll be grand

J x

I'm sorry for any offence I may have caused

I've been going over all the shit I've written for Edinburgh, and there's a lot of shit... Like all the elephant shit you could think of x 3 with added horse shit cherry toppings. 

I wanted to say whale shit, whales are huge, they must have huge poo... Maybe it's where fish paste comes from but I digress.

I've written a lot, my narrative has changed dramatically, the original show that went to Hull and Leicester comedy festivals focussed on my depression and how I fought it off, I've wound up with a more misanthropic observational thing now.

It's going to need changing but I've looked over some of the jokes... Ok ok both of the jokes. 

The opening thing about my darkest night, a night where I genuinely considered dying, well it takes away some of the light and fluffy that comedy probably should be.

I'm ok by the way, in case that's what you're taking from this!

At Hull and Leicester I pretty much opened with, "this time last year I was in a dark place  mentally, I wasn't locked in a cupboard, it got so bad one night I decided to end it all, now I sense there's a little tension in the room but don't worry, there's a very good chance I survived"

I now open by talking about racing a pigeon! 

I'm not sure why but I listened when people said you shouldn't joke about certain things and suicide is one but I did.

I actually believe you can joke about anything, a joke done right can have any subject.... Any! Cancer, rape, mental health, you can make jokes that include these things if you do it right... Yes people can be sensitive but words exist and to be totally sheltered from things because they offend you is creating aworld for yourself that is unrealistic.

I'm not saying laugh at the the rape victim, or suggest it's a good idea that celeb you don't like gets cancer... These things are horrible.. But tell your jokes and use the subjects that work for these jokes because if the world can't use humour to escape from or make sense of itself then it becomes stuck in a bubble from which the ability to function in a rational sense becomes more difficult.

I saw an act do 3 or 4 jokes where upon which fire victims, amputees and women were the butt of the joke, a guy in the front row wetting himself laughing stopped suddenly when the 5th joke was about Parkinson's.... He confronted the act and gave him a bit of grief about being offensive, that was his emotional reaction to hearing a joke about an ilness his dad has, an amputee or fire victim may have thought differently about which joke was offensive and everyone should have kicked off about the sexist joke not because sexism shouldn't be joked about but because it was an ignorant and lazy joke, the type lots of new acts usually learn to ditch within a year anyway.

7 billion of us aren't going to all agree on what's funny and what's right, but we should all be able to agree that other people will have different opinions and ideas and that the emotional reaction to being offended creates an instant feeling that usually a few hours later is gone.

One of the things I hate, I can't stand it, it's when someone apologises for any offence they may have caused when their intention was not to offend... You're just apologising because of someone's emotional and subjective response to something you said or did. I'm sorry for any offence I may have caused is basically, I'm sorry you're upset about what I said.

Sure it's polite to apologise but if we can't all be grown up and consider that someone's way of expressing themselves; may not be to your liking but; you taking an aggressive approach to telling them about it isn't to theirs, yet you force it upon them anyway... Well you're as much the problem!

One thing I will say when closing this is if you are using these words I've typed as a way to justify saying something offensive for the sake of saying then you are too dumb to do comedy go take up karaoke perhaps, because a really great joke comes from a place of intelligence and understanding every meaning and use of the words in the joke and how their placement in said joke makes it funny not offensive... Although some people will never be bright enough to get them anyway!

J x

Remain open spots forever

Wow there's a lot of comedians, loooots of comedians... I think there's about a gazillion comedians, if not there's more, maybe a gazillion and 6.

Some of them will remain open spots for ever and ever, the reasons are varied, maybe they have a dayjob that's holding them back or they secretly fear not having the security of a day job so won't kick on.

Maybe they just want to do this comedy lark for a hobby or they can't travel or they have a family.... Or maybe they are just shite! There's a few who are shite, thankfully for them they are blissfully unaware of how shite they are.

There are a bazillion acts who are good enough to kick on and be fully pro acts but aren't because of the gazillion who went before. It can be annoying, I saw a pro act recently, best paid act on the bill, he was headlining, same set he did 29 million years ago (well ok 10)

Dude just phoned it in, twas good enough for the audience of course but it really proves the point that quality isn't all that's needed in an act. Reliability is key, comedians are like cars, bookers sometimes want the impressive fancy pants Ferrari but really what most what is that trustworthy Volvo. 

I went pro comic in Jan that as well as doing every open spot that seems worthy and whoring myself out to radio stations, podcasters and magazines.

The pro act thing though, yeah, I can say that because I have enough work coming in to not need a dayjob but I imagine some people scoffing... I have been letting what the tothers think of me slow me down, that's been the thing keeping me in open spot land! 

Radio stuff, or shit where's wally?

Fact is just about every other act is like me, they all think they are good enough to deliver but really believe they are shite.

Their opinions about me are not my concern nor are my opinions about others theirs, so that's that dealt with.

I am of course not pro act in the sense of  all the big weekend clubs booking me over and over again, doesn't happen.

I've barely bothered them, why would I want xs malarkey, Manfords (although I have bothered them a little to be fair)

Komedia, comedy store, the comedy club ltd or other big players to be hooking me now when I'm just another guy telling jokes, nope I'm doing as much comedy for as many bookers as I can remaining as much under the radar as is workable so when I pop up an the radar of these guys (hopefully next year) they wonder where the fook I came from and why they haven't been booking me already.

This next few months I think it's fair to say I will be doing pretty much any and every gig thrown my way as I genuinely believe in myself for the 1st time in 4 years.

I got something to give comedy, I'm going to bleedin give it before I get all elderly or dead!

J x