Saturday 24 October 2015

1 minute 18


My week in gigs has been typical of that of a new act, I took a paid gig I should have run a mile from, I opted to do an unpaid spot I should not have been anywhere near and then died horribly (more on that in a moment) and then feeling like I'm the worst excuse of an act there has been since Colin Bunyan terrorised the Yorkshire Comedy Forum or that crazy Lee King fella threatened to Kill Adam Rushton, I drove to the West Midlands on a Weds night, shattered from the day job, writing my solo show (I have been working on it for 3 months, it's showing at Hull Comedy Festival in 3 weeks, all I have written is "Hello, (insert funny opening line) welcome to the show" although to be fair I originally went with welcome to my show so some progress has been made) and numerous visits to the gym/ cycle events that underline my desire to live a little longer, that in stark contrast to how I felt about 18 months ago when I genuinely did not feel so chipper, not exactly a subject filled with hilarity but this is what my show would have been about if I had actually bothered to write it.

The West Midlands gig despite all the excuses I have pre made went superbly well, I could have stayed on that stage for hours, only a few night before I was given only 1 minute and 19 seconds by a crowd of halfwits (because they didn't like me, they would have been superior comedy connoisseurs had they held me aloft and carried me out of the building metaphorically)   
I have been playing around with my persona a bit, I want to go in a direction I probably can't because my personality won't allow it, I fear not being liked which makes me shy, ironically this shyness makes me quiet and therefore less likeable! I'm a bit of dick too but let's not worry about that.

Things have been going well, comedy has been bringing my in a steady stream of cash money that has allowed me to prepare for the zombie apocalypse or at least buy some food as well as put fuel in the car, my day job has seen a pay increase too that has made a huge difference to my life, so financially I'm doing ok for the 1st time in years. I just need to improve my writing and maybe get myself in front of a few more big boys of the comedy world. 

I saw an ad for Peter Vincent's gong show, I hate gong shows, I used to think they were OK, served a purpose, provided acts with a nice venue to perform at with often big crowds but I realised over time that driving to  anywhere that's more than an hour away from home to have your fears that you're shite confirmed by an accountant, a stay at home mum and some bloke called Nigel all gleefully showing red cards after 47 seconds of mumbled nonsense that would never have come out of your mouth any other time is just not ideal.

But that said I've done Stockton gong 3 times, I survived a very horrible night where only a handful beat the gong... I had a cracking one second time around and was among the contenders to win and did OK 3rd time but not really to a winning level, those all gained me one open spot that I very much enjoyed and did 'OK' at but they didn't elevate me to, act to watch out for status or anything so I figured go do the gong again and show mr Vincent and co that I'm actually quite good and doing pretty well.

Thing is, this persona change is still at the front of my mind and in trying to be a bit nastier so I can get away with some slightly darker stuff.... Me being nasty is a bit like one of the Tweenies talking dirty, it's neither funny nor appropriate.

I had not realised this, had I done so I would not have said no thanks when offered the chance to MC a gig for £75, I turned that down thinking I have already booked in here I shall stay loyal to this and impress the Manfords and Ten Feet tall Booker..... Well that was the plan.

I may as well have gone on stage in  tutu and tried to perform the nutcracker, I mumbled stuttered and flapped my way through 1 minute 18 seconds of the worse comedy I have ever attempted and then to cap it all off in trying the nasty persona I just called people cunts! Not in a remotely funny (is there a funny way) I managed to set myself back 3 years in 1 minute 18 seconds!! My only possible saving grace is that it was so bad the Ten feet crew may not have taken the blindest bit of notice of who I was.

Rivka Uttley did a fab job winning said show by the way, and Amy Gledhill could so easily have won too, 2 superb acts that deserve praise and biscuits.

For me this stage death, that followed a horrendous Uni Gig was just a reminder that this comedy lark is bloody tough going sometimes, thank the Lord for CAN comedy in Lye where I was able to regroup and actually make everyone in the room have involuntary noise Coke out of their faces! 

It will be a long time before I'm ever at a gong again and more than likely you won't see me booked by Manfords or Ten Feet tall for a while but hey, if it doesn't encourage me to improve then nothing will and I can have all the comedic ability of Jack Whitehall and non of the career rewards!