Swallowed up by Edinburgh

I've not done a blog for a while, I have been kinda busy but it's no excuse (it is)

I've of course been to Edinburgh for the fringe, those who don't know what that means it's not anything to do with hair it's a festival, the largest arts festival in the world I gather, so yknow, pretty cool.

In the weeks leading up to the festival the black dog had been paying me visits, my mind was all at sea and there was a storm, and the thing is.. When my mind thought it had found a boat to sail it to freedom it got on board and George Clooney was the captain ably assisted by Mark Whalberg and William Fichtner et al... It's not good!

But my support network have been amazing and I was sent off to the fringe with a goody bag full of food thankfully as I've not been this skint since turning myself into a pro comic which is proving to be a joke given A, gigs dry up quickly and B, some fuckers just don't pay you!!

It's funny how these guys can make you feel like you're the bad guy chasing money you're owed! (It's not funny)

Anyway let's talk Edinburgh experience, I had borrowed my dads car to get there, driving 18 miles an hour to save fuel in a Jag is tedious!! At one point I was overtaken by an octogenarian on a bike!

I had last laugh though as I got to next set of lights and he was having a heart attack! I'd have gone to assist but the 3 dogs that were chewing on him seemed angry plus he'd fallen on the level crossing and there was a train coming!

Anyway I arrive in Edinburgh, I parked down the street from my venue, the White horse on canongate, it was belting down with rain, like I need to say that about being in Scotland although to be fair there were some glorious days.

Having met Jake Donaldson who I was doing the double hander show with (half an hour each) I saw the venue for the 1st time and it was packed... Shame I barely saw it that full again as our 1am timeslot was awful.

Man in kilt atop Arthur's seat and the sun is shining... Amazing

Jake and I had a drink, sorted out a plan of attack for the following days 1st show and I went on foot to try and find my accommodation which was not too far away... As I walked closer there were posters of some of my heroes in comedy, Tommy Tiernan, Hal Cruttenden and more recent hero, one that all podcast listening comics agree on, Stu Goldmsmith... I felt so insignificant seeing these.. I'm fucking nobody (this comment actually works literally too!!)

Then I see the posters of people nearer my experience level, Brennan Reece, Steve Bugeja and I start to feel like I'm a flea at an airport, everything around me is much bigger and way more important but I'm allowed to keep flying about as long as I don't bother anyone.

The thing is, all these feelings went away that 1st show, it was essentially Friday night, early Saturday morning and I didn't do most of the materiel I intended as I forgot the order and wound up just MCing, I mean it was dreadful in reality but I felt like I had as much of a right and reason to be in Edinburgh as anyone, being on stage and talking in a way I never could off is the thing I need in my life! I'm not terrible at it either, I'm not brilliant like but I'm aware and keep working.

One of the quieter nights at the White horse

That 1st night was amazing, I'll not forget it, I imagine Jake won't either, it set the tone for the rest of the festival, but that's another post so we will pick this up soon.

Thanks for reading, I'm back

J x

Feeling meh!

Well, a short one this week, I could turn this into a knob gag and claim it's always a short one (Wahey) but I won't.

The ed fest is drawing closer and I'm not excited, I should be but I'm not.

I'm owed a few quid from promoters, I feel like its a battle for work, I feel like I'm trying to oversell my capabilities despite simultaneously believing I'm more than capable of performing to a high standard.

So I reckon I'm feeling a bit flat at the moment, probably because I've been writing more and performing the older stuff with less vigor, I'm fed up of chasing up owed fees and I actually feel like the whole doing a proper day job thing should replace this trying to be funny malarkey.

Thing is, these flat feelings, these are the ones that act as a cull for so many people, I think I'm just going to power forward, I won't feel flat this time next week so just endure for a while!

It's probably likely everyone has the ol, feeling meh! 

I'm feeling meh about writing this but opted to go ahead and do it! It's just about cracking on, I'm just convincing myself now, although I'm certain some of my readership have been here so it's all good.

Edinburgh is filling me with excitement yet... I'm certain that will change... Bloody better had, I've put so much into the writing it's almost not me!!

J x

Thick racists!

I didn't blog last week in the wake of brexit and mixed emotions about my path, the path of the country and how they both link.

I've had some time off, from everything really as I take stock of the world around me and I think back to my recent blog in which I stated I have no stance for the stage and just want to be funny.

Well I do offstage, and brexit had made me think a lot about how I should vocalise that given that calling people thick and racist was the order of the day initially from the remainers.

That was just the emotional side of people's thinking lashing out, yes I don't think they thought their vote through some of them, yes there is a lack of intelligence in some of the reasons behind voting leave, I mean one bloke in Barnsley was interviewed and claimed its because of the Muslims!! What the fuck does he actually think the EU is?? Really?

There are still people saying they voted out because they don't want EU making all our laws, I mean really???

But some genuinely have been unheard all their lives, they go to work, they go home.

They feel like they aren't being listened to and they get all their info from the media , they innocently agree with a far right groups post about crime stats maybe because they feel worried for their family or because they are spoonfed hate from some news outlets.

Then what? Then they get called cunt by lefty types that would rather claim moral superiority than engage with someone.

I'm a lefty type, I love that lefty types care about others, that they have strong views against discrimination and they fight for those ideals, it's bloody wonderful.

But is everyone who's been derided as thick, racist, a lost cause for friendship really that bad?

Some people spent so much time patting themselves on the back about how moral they are they posted about how UKIP supporters should "unfriend themselves" because they are scum. 

They closed their bubble and they only allowed the views of their peers to infiltrate their eyes and brains.

But in turn they isolated those people from the stories they shared, the news articles that may have changed some minds, the facts about Farage that supporters don't see.

Also not all brexiters are UKIP followers, clearly as UKIP don't have 17 million supporters and again these are people who maybe viewed themselves as non political and were viewed by many of the supposed intellectually superior as a waste of time... Well that arrogant pig fucker gave them a chance to be heard and they fucking took it!!

Then friends, family, neighbours all began falling out, the country became divided and bitter.... In one referendum Cameron, Farage, Boris, Gove and all the other idiots did something 2 world wars couldn't, they divided Britian, they sent the country into some kind of mental meltdown, 

Scotland had a referendum to leave the UK and were warned they would have to leave the EU if they did then we in England took them out anyway so they should be allowed their 2nd referendum and Northern Ireland who relied on EU support in their peace process (something I'm not overly familiar with so won't go on about) 

They have had some dark days and things seemed so much better now in 2016 for them, but they wanted to remain in the EU and so there may be a division there.

There is so much shit going on in the world and I feel sad because of the way this referendum decision may effect me... Whatever happens, recession, prosperity, war, utopia? We aren't sure what's next really but we have to get on with our lives and take stock of our own role in what's happened rather than finger point as well as do all we can to make the improvement or at least be heard, without hating others and driving them to decisions that crates nothing but further division, we are better than that, it's time to show it I believe.

Maybe next week I'll return to mumbling shite about how gigs went!

J x

Performing knob gags

It's been an interesting week, I've been in Spain and Gibraltar pretending this makes me more important than I am and as brexit vote draws closer making the odd social media comment regarding my opinion on this and holy fucknuts people get upset! 

The Rock of Gibraltar, more impressive and probably more nutritious than Blackpool rock

I've spent time this week writing and performing knob gags and absolutely pointless stories (well there is a point, laughter but nothing more than that)

It's brought me back to the thought that I was once told you have the power in comedy to make a difference and make a point and that's what comedy is all about.

Well I firmly believe there is enough opinion peddling, point making bullshit stirring twatfestery going on away from the entertainment world that why continue it if it's likely half the room won't agree with you?

Sure it's great when someone makes a point you don't agree with and you laugh anyway, Steve Hughes and Bill Burr both do that for me but because someone is a right wing twat doesn't mean they shouldn't have a break from their right wing twattery for a laugh?

As I write that I almost think it depends on how right or how twatty but let's consider that they aren't racist c words, went with c word instead of cunt because my mum reads this btw!

Just breaking off from the racist c word, there's a website called spell check a racist, like them being a racist isn't enough for us to decide that are doucheburgers we then have to confirm it with smug pointing out that they can't even spell forin job theef! 

I chose comedy because I want to make people laugh, I'm of course of the opinion that my perfect audience would all agree with me and understand where I'm coming from but my own friendship group don't all agree with me yet I'm still friends with most of them, I'm just doing this to make as many people as I can laugh away from whatever fight they are fighting if I agree or not.

I haven't deleted the ukip supporting friends I have from my Facebook nor have I made a song and dance about them having to remove themselves so all my mates know I'm proper tolerant! Actually I engage with them sometimes and discuss why they think like they do (yeah sometimes it's like asking a dog to explain why it sniffs its own arse, it's got no idea why you think that's wrong and can't contemplate what you are saying but that's just life)

I was saddened by so many things this week, I shed tears for 49 strangers and then even more for a 50th a few days later, I then laughed at a video of Jim McDonald offof corrie celebrating Northern Ireland's euro win and then wrote 3 ridiculous gags about why I don't think I'll live past 70!

The world can be dogshit and it can be nice, I certainly think my place in it is just to bring laughter not to have a stance , not right now.. That version of me though may be bubbling up inside, who knows.

J x

I made them laugh

There's been so much crazy stuff happened on this planet upon which we reside that my weekly self indulgence seems completely pointless. But then again I've felt like there's a point to what I'm doing for the past 4 years and there most probably isn't so I can either lock myself in a cupboard rocking back and forth seething at all the worlds injustice or I can plough forward in the hope that nob gags aside my attempt at world domination through comedy makes a difference.

I actually feel I am doing ok, this is as close to self praise as I'll ever get as I recall once celebrating a goal with my team mates as a junior footballer and my dad calling me a bighead, a memory I'll never forget, my dad is ace but that really made it difficult for me to enjoy success... Lucky for me I've skilfully avoided having any success just in case! Phew!!

I am doing ok though, although I'm not measuring myself against anything so I could be deluded... Thing is I turned up to MC a gig on Saturday and the headline act had made a diary error which was discovered last minute meaning a re shuffle that saw Jack Gleadow step into MC duties from opener allowing me to close.

Now most people who like sport will know that England were playing in the euros on Saturday against Russia who brought their hooligans along to make our hooligans feel like poor sorry victims (there were a bazillion nice people too who were actual victims it should be said)

So with the football being on I noticed a mostly female demographic in the room... Go back less than a year and if you asked me to close a gig and then do so to a mostly female crowd I would have thought there was no chance... Surely my stuff is too laddy and I can't close, well that was then, now I know my stuff isn't too laddy at all and just because one or two people didn't get it I allowed their shitty opinion to cloud my own opinion of me!

I'm not quite the dogs bollocks so here's a picture of some until I am!

So I'll give myself a pat on the back for overcoming that, and not so much a pat on the back but a nod of approval that I stopped thinking female audience members would switch off once I talked about a big girl in a Yates like it was some kind of lad bants story (it's really not so if you don't get that you're stupid ((I originally typed 'your stupid' so technically I'm stupid)) the gig itself went as well if not better than every gig I've closed so far this year, a tight half hour with stories and silliness I'm actually happy with it and there was enough laughter to justify that! It's not like I haven't worked on it as much as possible to make it solid.

Am I one of the deluded fools that used to pop up on the forums though, Yorkshire folk may recall Roy or Colin Bunyan among the more colourful of characters and Peter Fox of Notts comedy review mentioned a guy who for his 1st gig hired a theatre and did an hour... Yeah I'm not in their ball park so I needn't worry that I'm not in Jim Jeffires or even say Pat Monahans (for non comedy people that's the comedian and not lead singer of Train)

I think measuring myself to anyone else in comedy and any of their standards will only leave me feeling pointless, especially when a promoter tells me I need to try some fresher ideas and then 2 gigs in a row for them their £200 headline act does the same joke I heard when I was 7... Like that's 2 different acts a week apart both of them do the same joke! No one says a word!!

Nah I'll not worry about that (beyond of course mentioning it just now) because a room full of people (about 50) left having had a great night on Saturday because I did what I was paid for and all I really wanted, I made them laugh, I still have my own benchmark and need to push towards that but there's enough rejection in this job already to continue to worry about how I'm doing, just keep doing it and trying to improve and that's all that's needed!!

J x

Travel gremlin

So I had an interesting weekend, I drove to Great Yarmouth on Friday, my 1st visit there and seemingly it won't be my last... It was one of those gigs where opening was always going to be a slog but there was enough in the room for me to not come of stage considering setting fire to myself, drowning in slurry or at the very least contemplating giving myself a Chinese burn!

It was Saturday where there was confusion, I was booked for a gig in Bristol but the Booker had been on holiday and so there was a mix up as his replacement booked another act instead unaware I was confirmed so I was cancelled, I then landed a gig closer to home and better money and with one of my best comedy mates.. Happy days... Only, there was a mix up and someone else was booked... So now no gig (sad face!!)

Then as I'm tootling (because tootling is the best way to describe my fuel saving driving speed) back from Great Yarmouth (it's not bad but they really are over egging it with the 'great') I receive a message from original booker in Bristol and booom I'm back on the line up there again... The bloody glamour!!!

Seriously though, who's that prick?

So that was the weekend, but is that all there is to tell? Oh no, it's so not because the 1st of 2 things I should have experienced/ understood before the age of 36 happened.

Last time I went to Bristol I parked in a car park that closes at 11pm and had to find a hotel for the night as I got back to it at 11.15, the time before... Well I missed a train and had to get a megabus taking 3 years to get home via every city, town and village... This time my travel was not going to be an issue... Oh no, you're not getting my this time travel gremlin... So instead a bird shat on me within minutes of my arrival!!

Several people have said that is good luck, these are clearly people who A, don't understand the concept of good luck and B, have clearly never had another animals shit running down their ear and all over their T-shirt.... That doesn't feel so lucky to me!!

Oddly it has been a trigger for me to pull my finger out a bit though, the luck that I feel I've been having lately has been nothing but bad but that's all bollocks, I've been wallowing like a little cry baby and having bird shit on me in Bristol could have been a sign of good luck but it wasn't, it was just a bird taking a dump as I happened to wander aimlessly underneath and if I want good luck I have to go fucking earn it!!!!!

I took that to the stage with me, I wasn't at my best, I was however confident and happy with myself on stage and the 4 or 5 applause breaks I got at points I wouldn't normally was about that.

Don't get me wrong... I'm not here shouting about applause breaks as if I smashed it, there were massive lulls and a couple began talking midway through such was their apparent boredom I really should have addressed it but could not see where they were due to the lights!

But this was a good change in thought pattern, more hard work no more wasted hours that could be taken up writing stuff to fill those lulls or working on tags and afterthoughts and better self promotion.

That said, I did spend today gardening and the 2nd of the 2 things was that today I found out what secateurs are!! Never before knew they were gardening shears!!

I'm not so clever!!

I am though going up a gear, think I located my mojo today!!

J x 

A happy div needs no play dough

Well this one is late, I'm not even sure anyone cares but I do like to churn these out on a Monday, my 12 regular readers may or may not like consistency who knows but I've been busy both being funny and trying to be physically fit!

Excuse out of the way I am in a good place at the moment after about 8 weeks spell of up and down moods and some pretty shitty depression rendering me my own worst enemy, but having knuckled down and battled through that I'm on the high that follows and starting to feel like that bag of shit that life is does have a rose fragrance at times.

I've been working a little on my Edinburger show and while the bun is written the burger but keeps changing as does the dressing and cheese so what I currently have is no where near what I told the brochure people or anyone who's cared to ask (so my mum basically!!)

I don't suppose it matters too much that it's not so much along the plot line I had planned because I'm really excited about where it's heading which is pleasing because a week ago it was heading in the bin!!

Writing that I did earlier in the year when I was having my "not giving a fuck what anyone thinks of me" phase is getting a little tickle and being brought back to life as my show becomes some kind of Frankenstein monster of a creation without any of Mary Shelley's intelligence, it honestly makes me laugh when people say I have some intelligent comedy... I'm a div! Fact!

But I'm bloody happy so a happy div needs no play dough, I know that's not a saying but hopefully it will catch on and if nothing else I have at least achieved that!

A little thing that anyone who is writing at the moment may want to take from this is, if you're writing what you think other people want to hear stop, write what you want to write then when you go back over it you can figure out which crowd pleasing elements you may need to add and just enjoy letting your thoughts spill out in the meantime... That's write, top writing advice from a hugely successful comedian here!!

Anyway I best go as I have some nob gags to crowbar in!

J x

The Struggle

This is my comedy blog, because blogging is still a thing in 2016, I would do a tapestry or maybe even Jims comedy cave paintings if I wanted to be all retro, but blogging is still a thing!

Although it is my comedy blog, yesterday I took some time out from the funny to cycle 108 miles round North Yorkshire (I forgot that I signed up to this sportive and was set for a Hull weekend doing funny and getting drunk/ diseased in Spiders!!)

This cycle event served as a good analogy for my comedy, it was hard work, it took a lot out of me and it wasn't funny!! (I'm well funny ignore insecure me!!)

To be fair the struggle is a good name for the event and very much a good name for working as a comedian, comics who have been going 10 years plus keep pointing out how hard it's become, I thought it would be easy and there would be girls and money!! (I didn't but it would have made me less likely to want to cry every morning!!)

If insecure me is annoying well past me is a little bellend! Past me signed up for this event known as the Struggle because it thought future me would still be working a 9-5 and just doing the odd gig now and then whereas future me which is now present me is busy driving up and down the motorways/ cone storage roads of England and occasionally Wales 3 times a week, writing daily (including an attempt at some kind of collection of all these blogs I've been doing since 2012) and also trying to remain as fit as possible without any routine which is difficult although probably because I allow myself the excuse of calling it difficult.

Difficult by the way is not what I'd call the Struggle, calling the struggle difficult is like calling climbing Everest tricky... It's bleedin horrendous is what it is!! Nothing short of horrendous!! What kind of idiot thinks cycling up hills all afternoon is good idea!! It took me 9 hours... 9 fucking hours with that saddle up my arse!!! It feels like it's still there, I've been walking like I shit my pants for most of today, I may have done, I don't know because my arse is numb!!

A standard Yorkshire crowd at the 30 mile mark, there was even a baa! (Sorry)

My bleedin head is clearly just as numb, I've signed up for 2 more of these bastarding cycle punishments!! It's possible that the views are the only thing that made it more enjoyable than being repeatedly hit in the bollocks with a rolling pin!!

The one connection this has to the ol stand up thingy is at least 15 times during that ride I wanted to give up because I felt like I could not do it or at least not do it well enough, well that's just ridiculous, tell yourself that and that's what will happen.

I recently saw a clip of an act who if I'm being fair was rubbish, that's the nicest thing I could say if their act, it lacked any self awareness and the persona was both pathetic and needy like that of a bullying victim and smug and high status which is I guess unique.. But that act must have worked harder than any other because it wasn't natural to them to be funny and yet this clip that was posted on a forum was very much one of an act you'd probably book, that kind of improvement shows that sometimes it's talent and sometimes it's graft, a bit of both is useful too.

Right, I'm off to book a masseuse 

J x

Awful but true

I vowed not to do competition comedy anymore after my attitude towards a gong show late last year saw me survive barely 70 seconds maybe because I called the audience a rowdy set of cunts mainly because they were a rowdy set of cunts!

I thought to be competing against other acts when the best comedy is when all acts smash it like one big team rather than competing against against each other is the best way for comedy to get its boom back.

I'm not sure there will be a boom of course but comedy is a bit all over the place right now and a lot of these competitions can help the stronger acts shine which is great but other acts buckle under pressure or overthink it or focus on themselves and not the night. It's not the same as the clubs I used to go to where 4 acts and a compere would one by one rip a room to bits with brilliant jokes or ridiculous silliness but competition seems to make me feel like I want acts to do badly.

That's awful but true, I never want acts to do badly and I'd love full comedy clubs every week with everyone having a great time. Too much of an ideal world that.

I died on my bumhole too! I've had about 3 gigs go like that in the past 4 weeks so I can safely say that my mind focusing on this Edinburgh set I'm writing but don't dare perform yet (it's not polished) is making me go back to hating the stuff I currently do and it's getting detrimental.

I'd beat myself up about it but in a weeks time I'll rip a gig feel great and remember that none of this matters, what's happening now is all steps on the path to death!! Ok I should be more positive, on the path to success. 

Not caring I did badly tonight feels like a turning point of its own.

J x

Washed up corporate act

Baking hot this weekend, "you could fry an egg in this" my mate says, to be fair I've fried eggs in winter but I get his point.

This weekend I was enjoying the sun from the comfort of the car as usual. Been over to the Isle of Wight, so that's that cherry popped! I was meant to be supporting Bobby Davro (it was a supporting spot not one of those, I'm on a line up with a tv comic so I'm basically supporting them" type posts and who brags about supporting Bobby Davro anyway??)

Sadly Bobby had some worrying news in his family so we got last min replacement Keith O Keef!!! Wow this guy started comedy 3 years before I was born!! The words old school spring to mind and when I saw him I genuinely and somewhat unfailly thought he was a washed up former corporate act.

He was actually a real nice bloke and although doing nothing to suggest his years of experience had given him a slice of originality he held the audience attention and brought laugh after laugh from stuff that could have been in his set easily 20 years.

I'm not sure the type of comics the circuit produces today would be able to do that, I think most acts would have had enough to of the sound of their own bullshit after 30 years max! It's a different beast now to when I started 4 and a halfish years ago even.

I have some work to do too, really it's going to take some graft. I saw an act post a little celebratory moment from a recent gig where they had smashed it. Fair play and well done, but I don't want to be in that position.

I'm taking nothing away from said act, it's great to do well and have nice things to say about yourself on Facebook, while you do that there will also be some souless cunt either hating you for having the temerity to have some sense of self worth or considering you arrogent for sharing it. So with that in mind enjoy your victories but for me it's not enough.

It's not enough to smash the odd gig and be so proud of that, I need to be ripping the roof off everything, and I'm a millions miles away from doing that right now!

If you've seen the movie the Martian, 1stly how the fuck did Sean Bean survive? He never survives? He would have been a comedian if it wasn't for all the deaths in certain!! But 2ndly that film is a great metaphor for my 'career'

I'm pretty decent at what I do, I'm on with some great people at most gigs now but one night things go wrong and they seem to think I've died and so carry on without me.

I've not died I'm just stuck in planet average jokes and need to work out how the fuck I'm going to become good enough at what I do to not ont beat the odds of fading away on planet shit jokes but to become something special and when I get back to earth I'm capable of much much more.

Ok that analogy isn't great but my point is I'm aware now more than ever how much I'm going to have to evolve as a performer and writer to be where I want to be, exciting, unstoppable and smashing every gig.

It's not just a dream, it's a thing we all could do, just most of us give up when it's tricky... Well let's just see in a few years if I gave up or have I made it back to earth!!!

J x

Skilfully oversold

Because comedy is so glamorous normally, I mean what's more glamourous than standing in the corner of a pub telling it's disengaged regulars all the funny stuff you thought up in the hope that one day you might get to do that every week and not have a need for real work.

So, again because comedy is so glamourous I decided to book myself in for one of those "be seen" gigs that required me to leave home at 9am on a bus to London, 5 hours later walk for an hour across London (because I can't be fucked with tubes) then wait 45 mins for a lift which takes 3 hours to get to the venue, arriving 1 hour early... For 8 minutes before 3 hours back to London another hours walk and then killing time (just the 5 hours) until 7am bus back home

Yep this is what every act who really wants to make a go of this has done at some point and probably like myself right now they have all sat in the coach station trying to stay awake in case someone mistakes us for a homeless person and kicks us out thinking... Was all that worth it.

I mean, the gig went well, so to that end it was worth it but is all this really what it takes? 

Possibly what it takes is just writing funny and original stuff but then I see some of that acts that are doing well and think naaaah... Surely they must know some of those jokes aren't original too!

I reckon it takes balls too, is there a less gender biased way of saying that? But I don't mean guts or bravery or whatever  you'd say to suggest someone has confidence, nah, confidence is a preference for the habitual voyeur of what is known as (park life) 

Ignore that last bit I'm clearly tired!

What I mean is, I really think, despite doing this needy thing where we all want to be liked and lauded and admired by peers... It's really important to not give any fucks what anyone thinks of you.

The less of a fuck you give the more likely you can get away with bare faced online cuntiness, outrageous audience assaults when they are needed, telling the world how good you are despite the fact they have all seen you and know it's only average shit incredibly skilfully oversold.

Seemingly that's what's needed, not trailing all the way to the south coast on a bus flavoured by varying varieties of fart, halitosis and body odour.

I'm not sure this is something that will be on comedy school curriculums and there's every possibility I'm wrong, I have been wrong before, once back in 1997 I think it was.

I still will take the roll up my sleeves and just crack on approach, maybe in a year I'll look back at that decision and think it was the one that got me comitted and locked away from sharp objects in the 1st place.. That or the m25, if I ever have my Micheal Douglas falling down moment it will be there with a shot gun.

One last thing before I go, this aimed at my Leeds local readers, I'll be testing some Edinburgh show material in Leeds on Weds, just some very raw new stuff hence why I haven't invited the masses (you'd think Leeds promoters would book me given how much I'd fill their gig!!) but if you're about and fancy justifying your decision to not be a

Comedian come see me, Hirsts Yard from 8pm free in with a bucket for donations to the acts at the end.

J x

Beacon of success

Been a bit stressed this week! You'd think having a job that means I can stay in bed past midday and spend all of Monday catching up on the weekends sport would be easier but now I rely on the funnies for the monies it mean sending 8 zillion emails a day.

When sending an email to a promoter I try and be as polite in my terminology as possible as well a remaining light hearted, yknow because comedy n stuff!!

But I also have to be self aggrandising or at the very least sell myself a bit... How's that supposed to work when I feel like all

I'm really doing is winging it and at any moment I'm going to be found out and ordered to return to a normal job and stop putting comedian on my Facebook profile (if you work for Aviva insurance I'm still an Entrepreneur running a writing and entertainment business!!!)

Thing is, every bugger is winging it... Pretty much everyone halfway to a gig thinks what the fook am I doing? 

Everyone is dealing with the fact that all we are doing is talking at a room full of strangers for 20 minutes so we can have food instead of turning up at the office Monday to Friday.

I thought for so long I was the only one just flapping about in the comedy pool while everyone else has their set plan and steadily climbs up that ladder that really doesn't exist.

Imagine my shock when I found out there were people seeing my progress and the steady evolution of my writing (yeah it's very steady!) as some kind of beacon of success.

Someone even said they look up to me and can't believe it to be long before I'm huge (although that may have been reference to my eating habits as they steadily get worse since turning veggie!)

They think they are winging it and I'm following a set path climbing the comedy ladder that doesn't really exist.

So I was chatting about this to an act I look up to, who's been going yonks, done tv work, headlines across the country and I told him I was winging it when people seem to think I'm going somewhere and tickle my tits till Tuesday he's only bloody winging it too!!

Yet somehow he's climbing that comedy ladder that maybe exists.

Makes me wonder if those involved with writing the bible were just winging it, like they had no real idea what they were doing but just started writing down stories terrified they were going to get found out and could not believe it when the masses were taking it in and buying every word even the bits where there were talking bushes and 5000 people rocking up to a bbq (to only get a bit of fish and bread!!) at a time when Facebook event invites weren't a thing!

All of a sudden they are climbing the biblical ladder that is definitely real.

I think it's ok to wing it, just keep winging it until you're looking back on a career you can't believe you got away with and tell yourself whatever you want because you almost certainly deserved your career no matter what you did.

J x

George Carlin wasn't superb

I'm on a train!! Yeah!! A gig that I've not had to drive to! 

I don't like driving in London because I imagine stapling my bollocks to a cactus to be more appealing.

It's good to take a train to a gig though, I can fall asleep en route, I could do that driving too but it's not advised.

I don't need to stop for toilets either, bonus! Although I won't go for a poo on a train, this is because of the train crashes it's bound to be at this point.

I know a crashing train is bad no matter what but I don't want to survive if they find me naked from the waist down covered in my own and many other people's excrement, clutching what's left of the handrail still trying to figure out if the sliding door thing is just going to randomly open.

Anyway that awful imagery aside I was chatting with someone the other day who was insistent that as a comedian, our job is to educate and make a point, something which I disagree with. 

So often I see clips of Carlin with people raving about how spot on he was and I watch for 20 minutes as he tells maybe 2 jokes and spends the rest of the time dropping truth bombs... That's not comedy to me.

I'm not saying George Carlin wasn't superb at what he did but he was more a lecturer than a comic. 

There's a place for that, there's a place for education within comedy but primarily for me comedy is, make them laugh.

Ok so there's way more to it than that, personally I believe if you can make a point and it's hilarious then that's ideal but 1st and foremost it needs to be hilarious, just making a point is not what your average punter wants.

So maybe I'm just looking from a club comic or club punter point of view but I I would say that 80% of audiences are just that, the 20% of course, comedy savvy or fans to of specific comedy are the ones we all want at our gigs but the staples are these guys who buy their comedy ticket hoping to have a laugh not hoping learn something.

Of course not all audiences are deserving of the laughs, for a start anyone who just switches off once they see a female act (fellas it happens more than we realise) deserves to have his ticket taken from him and used to create paper cuts on the purple monster end of his tallywacker!

Anyone who thinks it's appropriate to just shout out whatever they like whenever they see fit should have their lips glued shut with dogshit in smeared over them so they have no choice but to inhale it, yeah we have to deal with your shit now have a whiff of some of ours!!

But my point, if I'm making one instead of just trying to be funny is, you don't have to make a point, and those that are adamant you do, who also seem adamant it's a regressive left wing point that has to be made (not all!) 

Andrew Lawrence for example tried to make a point, instead of allowing that point to be considered valid and engaging with him and challenging it he was called a cunt and blocked by many!!

So actually is making a point in comedy only considered valid when it's the same point as everyone is making?

Meh, I'm shrugging my shoulders thinking more about trying to be as funny and original as possible more than trying to say something political.

Comedy is magical and comes in many forms, but let's not assume there's something wrong with a good nob gag!

J x

Who wants racist pie

Having covered over 800 miles again last week I found myself in the not unfamiliar position of being sat still in the fast lane of the m1 waiting for the debris of yet another accident caused by some baffoon who seems incapable of driving safely.

I sat, snapchatting away my roadside pain, after having grovelled to a promoter that despite leaving the house at 2.15pm or 14.15 if you prefer... Or if you're one of those idiots 2.15pm in the afternoon, I would be late for my 8pm stage time.

I also spent some time thinking, should I just get a proper job? I mean what's wrong with maybe selling insurance or serving ice cream? Maybe I could go back to window cleaning, I mean you can't really die on your arse as a window cleaner can you? 

Sure you get heckled still, the classic "missed a bit" is so funny the 18th time you hear it each day. 

But I've never climbed down a ladder after giving some guttering a clean and though, yep, died on my arse there, started badly and the gutter just didn't go with me, just not my type of house and the gutter layout is not good for cleaning.

Maybe I could go back to being a chef, my pub days were so much fun, and at no point did I have someone come up to me after a shift and tell me which other chefs they like then give me a pie recipe that I could use... Who wants a racist pie anyway?

Perhaps I could try something new, I'm at the gym a lot these days (it only doesn't show because I don't post loads of gym updates and we all know your workout is invalid if you don't tell people) maybe I could become a PT?

How many PTs have told someone to do a press up and had them come up after and complain they thought it was not appropriate because their dad died of press ups.

Then the traffic cleared as if by magic, some traffic cop version of Moses just parted the carnage and boom I'm on my way again, got Slipknot playing because I love a loud car journey... It's either that or talk sport but who wants to listen to some idiot from Luton claim Arsenal are still in with a shout of winning the premier league and make nonsensical comments on why England should start have Ramsey in their squad (non football types may need to google why Aaron Ramsey can't play for England)

I then get my gig, I'm fired up, I have a good show, the audience are dead nice apart from that one guy who's dad died of press ups and I honestly can't see myself doing any other job ever!

This will take a lot more hard work but it's bound to be worth it... Because I think window cleaners, Chefs, PT's and anyone with regular jobs are so brave, doing that stuff every day must take some balls.

J x

We all know I hate those

It's been a busy few weeks on the ol gig front, my early blogs used to be warts and all gig reviews but reviewing myself isn't really fair or perhaps it's not unfair but it's not objective. That said I am hilarious... So much so that when compering once my mum kindly said after "it's ok you're not meant to be the funny one are you" .

I won't return to self reviewing but I will say I've had a good week, momentum is helpful (although I still don't have a gig this Friday.... Bookers??)

Tuesday was a trip to Alfreton, I was again booked to MC as FaF one of the bookers that see me as a reliable and capable MC because that's what I keep telling them I am!!! (which is great but I've been pigeon holed a wee bit as a result by a handful of bookers in fairness... I can do 20's too!!!)

Weds I filled in last min for an act who was ill as an open 10 and got myself booked for 2 more gigs as a result and then Friday... Well that was not so good, the Easter hols causing the gig to have poor/ no real audience, to be fair the 2 guys that stuck it out til the end werereal connoisseurs of comedy so much so they were able to identify an act they weren't listening to was shit!! Good work

Saturday was a trip to lovely Blackpool for a most enjoyable 20 and as luck would have it I'll be returning there a couple of times before the year is out all being well too.

So floating highly on a waft of delusional self belief I email a couple of bookers I'm not working for and speculatively apply for a gig, happy to still do open spots because how the fuckedy boo will I get seen if I don't take a chance working for nowt... Although some bookers remove the urine, one in particular told me after I was paid £20 to MC (life changing!!) that I overran (by 1 minute and that was to deal with a heckler that piped up just as I was getting an act to the stage) that I could not apply for more paid work yet but I could do another gong show!!! 

I know... Lols!!

But I am happy to do open spots still despite changing the way I'm perceived (pro act now innit) given that I'm now gigging pretty much all weekend every weekend (still not this Friday btw... Don't think I've mentioned, Leeds bookers? I'm not saying all 800 of my mates will come but a lot will!!)

The response however to one of my applications for work was quite interesting, I was told I have been seen before (discovered it was back in 2012) and the Booker needs to be sure I'm not racist or sexist!

Now, I've never been either... I'm narcissist but there's no mention of race in my stuff at all and my story about a big girl named Julie is a reversal of the idea that being laddy is the best approach.

This was 2012 I was very new and used to gig in a flat cap and tweed jacket to ham up the Yorkshire as well as to hide behind it a bit. I'd have had a whippet too but the only one I could get was black and female and we all know I hate those bitches.

Needless to say I was offended (oh the irony) by this rejection but responded to thank the Booker for at least responding and of course politely confirm I'm not either of the 1st 2 ists!

A somewhat chubbier flat cap and tweed wearing 2012 me!

In fact what then happened was a nice email exchange in which I was invited to send a clip I film this week for future reference and the Booker telling me my attitude was refreshing.

You see no one likes being told they aren't wanted, they aren't good enough or they aren't the right fit.... And no one at all wants to be incorrectly called racist or sexist... Homophobic I have no issues with (calm down fucknuckle it's a joke)

It seems that taking these things personally however would have been a shot in the foot and understanding it's not personal and just continuing to plug away is currently my best friend... Both the above mentioned Bookers will be paying me to perform at their clubs soon and despite my apparent stubbornness some of the advice offered by them both (swear less ((what a cunt)) and don't overrun ((this blog is longer than usual)) are always worth taking on board even if I don't run with the advice.

It basically pays to listen to what's being said to you when someone gives reason not to book you, it's never personal and there are ways to change their mind so you know, don't take rejection so bad, you'll be grand

J x

I'm sorry for any offence I may have caused

I've been going over all the shit I've written for Edinburgh, and there's a lot of shit... Like all the elephant shit you could think of x 3 with added horse shit cherry toppings. 

I wanted to say whale shit, whales are huge, they must have huge poo... Maybe it's where fish paste comes from but I digress.

I've written a lot, my narrative has changed dramatically, the original show that went to Hull and Leicester comedy festivals focussed on my depression and how I fought it off, I've wound up with a more misanthropic observational thing now.

It's going to need changing but I've looked over some of the jokes... Ok ok both of the jokes. 

The opening thing about my darkest night, a night where I genuinely considered dying, well it takes away some of the light and fluffy that comedy probably should be.

I'm ok by the way, in case that's what you're taking from this!

At Hull and Leicester I pretty much opened with, "this time last year I was in a dark place  mentally, I wasn't locked in a cupboard, it got so bad one night I decided to end it all, now I sense there's a little tension in the room but don't worry, there's a very good chance I survived"

I now open by talking about racing a pigeon! 

I'm not sure why but I listened when people said you shouldn't joke about certain things and suicide is one but I did.

I actually believe you can joke about anything, a joke done right can have any subject.... Any! Cancer, rape, mental health, you can make jokes that include these things if you do it right... Yes people can be sensitive but words exist and to be totally sheltered from things because they offend you is creating aworld for yourself that is unrealistic.

I'm not saying laugh at the the rape victim, or suggest it's a good idea that celeb you don't like gets cancer... These things are horrible.. But tell your jokes and use the subjects that work for these jokes because if the world can't use humour to escape from or make sense of itself then it becomes stuck in a bubble from which the ability to function in a rational sense becomes more difficult.

I saw an act do 3 or 4 jokes where upon which fire victims, amputees and women were the butt of the joke, a guy in the front row wetting himself laughing stopped suddenly when the 5th joke was about Parkinson's.... He confronted the act and gave him a bit of grief about being offensive, that was his emotional reaction to hearing a joke about an ilness his dad has, an amputee or fire victim may have thought differently about which joke was offensive and everyone should have kicked off about the sexist joke not because sexism shouldn't be joked about but because it was an ignorant and lazy joke, the type lots of new acts usually learn to ditch within a year anyway.

7 billion of us aren't going to all agree on what's funny and what's right, but we should all be able to agree that other people will have different opinions and ideas and that the emotional reaction to being offended creates an instant feeling that usually a few hours later is gone.

One of the things I hate, I can't stand it, it's when someone apologises for any offence they may have caused when their intention was not to offend... You're just apologising because of someone's emotional and subjective response to something you said or did. I'm sorry for any offence I may have caused is basically, I'm sorry you're upset about what I said.

Sure it's polite to apologise but if we can't all be grown up and consider that someone's way of expressing themselves; may not be to your liking but; you taking an aggressive approach to telling them about it isn't to theirs, yet you force it upon them anyway... Well you're as much the problem!

One thing I will say when closing this is if you are using these words I've typed as a way to justify saying something offensive for the sake of saying then you are too dumb to do comedy go take up karaoke perhaps, because a really great joke comes from a place of intelligence and understanding every meaning and use of the words in the joke and how their placement in said joke makes it funny not offensive... Although some people will never be bright enough to get them anyway!

J x

Remain open spots forever

Wow there's a lot of comedians, loooots of comedians... I think there's about a gazillion comedians, if not there's more, maybe a gazillion and 6.

Some of them will remain open spots for ever and ever, the reasons are varied, maybe they have a dayjob that's holding them back or they secretly fear not having the security of a day job so won't kick on.

Maybe they just want to do this comedy lark for a hobby or they can't travel or they have a family.... Or maybe they are just shite! There's a few who are shite, thankfully for them they are blissfully unaware of how shite they are.

There are a bazillion acts who are good enough to kick on and be fully pro acts but aren't because of the gazillion who went before. It can be annoying, I saw a pro act recently, best paid act on the bill, he was headlining, same set he did 29 million years ago (well ok 10)

Dude just phoned it in, twas good enough for the audience of course but it really proves the point that quality isn't all that's needed in an act. Reliability is key, comedians are like cars, bookers sometimes want the impressive fancy pants Ferrari but really what most what is that trustworthy Volvo. 

I went pro comic in Jan that as well as doing every open spot that seems worthy and whoring myself out to radio stations, podcasters and magazines.

The pro act thing though, yeah, I can say that because I have enough work coming in to not need a dayjob but I imagine some people scoffing... I have been letting what the tothers think of me slow me down, that's been the thing keeping me in open spot land! 

Radio stuff, or shit where's wally?

Fact is just about every other act is like me, they all think they are good enough to deliver but really believe they are shite.

Their opinions about me are not my concern nor are my opinions about others theirs, so that's that dealt with.

I am of course not pro act in the sense of  all the big weekend clubs booking me over and over again, doesn't happen.

I've barely bothered them, why would I want xs malarkey, Manfords (although I have bothered them a little to be fair)

Komedia, comedy store, the comedy club ltd or other big players to be hooking me now when I'm just another guy telling jokes, nope I'm doing as much comedy for as many bookers as I can remaining as much under the radar as is workable so when I pop up an the radar of these guys (hopefully next year) they wonder where the fook I came from and why they haven't been booking me already.

This next few months I think it's fair to say I will be doing pretty much any and every gig thrown my way as I genuinely believe in myself for the 1st time in 4 years.

I got something to give comedy, I'm going to bleedin give it before I get all elderly or dead!

J x

I'm well funny

So... It was brought to my attention that I don't seem to give myself any love in this word vomit of my comedy experiences. 

After my post about perception it was pointed out that maybe this doesn't help (I really don't think any key comedy gate keepers read this but maybe some promoters do I guess so for you guys and girls... I'm well funny) 

Im aware there are acts maybe earning less than me perhaps creating the persona of a pro comic while I still beaver away considering myself a newb.... Although based on what I get I consider myself close enough to a pro act to not be chasing down a new day job... A sort of pro that not many of the big clubs book yet!! 

Although I've not really tried because when I show up on their radar I want to be so polished they see a solid act not a developing one... It's a marathon not a snickers this comedy lark.

Me being hilarious earlier this year.

I maybe don't give myself enough love... I think there's a strong right arm suggesting I have done historically and there in that alone is my reason, a cheap wanking joke... So I don't want to be the cheap wank joke act... But then I gig with a pro act who phones it in and delivers jokes they were doing 12 years ago and think.. While I'm trying to build a person that act is tearing the roof off, bookers are happy with the reliability and professionalism of said act, it's maybe tough.

Then there are alternative nights but they don't book me because I have a crowd pleaser style at the moment which I stand by, almost the kind of thing I'm bemoaning but that's the next thing on my agenda... 

So what if other acts are doing stuff

You or I don't agree with or like, so what if they are talking about a subject you think is hack... I need to worry about one act and one act only and that is me... Improve me as much as possible.

Seeing acts doing well and feeling bitter is a thing that pops up in car shares or green room natter too... I'm one for it now and then but that's going to have to stop (to be fair I'm only bitter about the ones that have been dicks to me)

Why be bitter, just be happy (not through gritted teeth) for other acts... A great night of comedy was like the one I MCd (to perfection!) on Sunday where all 4 acts went down a storm... It's great to have nights like that and all 50 of those punters will be back at comedy for certain. 

Let me try make a point... Leicster city in the back ground and a back and forth about my Edinburgh jaunt have maybe made me meander through this post without getting to one but then again I seldom do! 

I think, for what it's worth, I'm quite good... I'm absolutely not where I want to be and my writing is slowly getting there but I WILL make audiences laugh and I have enough of a non offensive demeanour to not have to try too hard to get people to like me (unless there's a gong!!)

I am funny though!! On purpose, yes I'm terrified that someone is going to tell me they have found me out and my comedy is just a pathetic attempt to be liked (it kinda is!!) but I know I can do a job so this is the nice to myself blog and stop worrying about others.

I've won stuff!! Sure Funny Scunny isn't the big award we all need to know about or 2013 Yorkshire new act of the year isn't particularly national but it's hard for a straight white male in this game... *acts I've he believes that

I am pleased to say in closing that I'm not totally down on myself I just have a lot more hard work to do, but I bloody love it.

Now before I bugger off please allow me to include this link to my podcast in case you fancy a listen to me waffling rather than just read it... It's about mysteries and stuff.... There's some funny bits.

The Jim Bayes Show by Jim Bayes

https://itun.es/gb/IQfrab.c

Obviously promoters are wrong

Well another week that feels like longer, I've been busy, busy being productive... Kind of, I mean I wrote down a list of things I should do, and lists of ways to go about doing the things I should do and lists of things to help me with the ways I should go about the things I should do... But I still haven't done the things.

I've managed to get a load of gig applications in though, that's useful... I could just sit at home and wait to be offered gigs I guess but then I'd not be too busy.

I'm on form at the moment, form is useful because the dogshit that I'm currently peddling I know is funny and therefore I'm able to sell it quite well despite it being without the full depth and meaning that I hope to spout sooner rather than later, of course skills are needed and unlike jokes, skills can't be nabbed from Twitter, I think? If they can then the Internet is scarier than I thought.

But applications have not been as straight forward as my confidence in current form would suggest, obviously promoters are wrong!! Well that's what I tell myself when I don't get booked. Since becoming a comedian this is the 1st time the money I earn from comedy vastly outweighs the money I earn elsewhere and my diary despite some f the frustrations is fuller than Donald Trumps hatemail bin.

But perception is maybe holding me back? I am not moulding myself into this image of precessional comic that everyone should book so despite many recent good performances a couple closing and a couple opening, not my usual paid spot of MC... Well some promoters won't touch me.

Is it because the guys in the north have seen me be shite... I mean it wasn't hard seeing me be shite, you just had to turn up at any one of my gigs and there I was being shite!!

But I'm not shite anymore (this is my own opinion fuck off!) and yet some guys won't book me for a middle spot in Manchester for £30, a trial spot in Liverpool for nowt, an MC spot at a new act night in Barnsley (these are not genuine, just examples of some of the type of gig and location I can't get anywhere with)

Yet in the south and Midlands where they haven't seen me be shite I'm getting £REDACTED (but decent quids) worth of work each month, I have agents enquiring about me (not sure of the point of they are based in Eastbourne or Bristol)

I'm booked to close, I'm booked to open, I'm considered one of the stronger acts of the newbies.... And I allow that/ sell myself that way a bit more.

Maybe I just need to sell myself a bit more nearer to home and change the perception of me that one or two people have... Or maybe I should just be funnier?

J x

No one says anything

So I mentioned last week I was going to have a change of pace in this blog, find some fun topical stories and be all witty maybe even finding some future material in the process, but having sat staring at my screen for 45 minutes (which has at least meant I've not been paying attention to Leeds Uniteds woeful offering) I've decided to sack that off and just stick to my usual word vomit.

I had an eventful weekend, travelling to Bristol for a gig I decided to hang around post performance and see the headliner in action, chat with the organiser and just take my time... Errrrrrror!

Got back to the car along with one liner merchant Jack Shanik to find it locked in a car park overnight, I took it well and definitely didn't kick a wall in anger. I support there are worse situations I could have found myself in, for a start having someone to shar the cost of the hotel helped (£42 each but they tried to charge us £3 each more the cheeky monkeys)

I could have not had any money, or my phone, or instead of Jack with me it could have been a rabid goat with a toothache, which we all know could happen!

Blatant yet weak attempt at being funny aside it was frustrating but as things in comedy go it's not the most frustrating.

Following on from last week Cheggersgate I remember someone mentioning to me that I joke I do is very similar to one that's being done already... Now the guy saying it was not trying to be helpful to me as I was an open spot nobody at the time (as opposed to the paid work nobody I've become today)

Either way I stopped doing the joke despite finding out the original was different (And I call it the original because it was out 1st, this terminology is not intended to incriminate your honour)

Thing is I saw an act do a "step ladder, not my real ladder" joke and I didn't want to be that dick that's says something, the act may not know its a Harry hill one... But then again he never will if no one says anything.

I was MCing a new act comp not long back and the guy who won it did a lot of unoriginal jokes, I mentioned this to the organiser who said he hadn't heard the jokes before so no issue. 

In fact many of the acts I see at pro and new level do things that are similar or the same as what some others do... So, how do we resolve it? Well for a start more people need to be THAT GUY (or girl) and just mention it. All acts need to agree if someone says they have heard your stuff before then it's worth googling to see if it's out there.

Maybe this comedy guild thing may help? I don't know much about it and I'm certain it's designed to protect pro acts but perhaps if you join there could be a way to date stamp and protect your jokes.

In fact maybe something like the guild should be a minimum standard that all promoters and acts should aspire too, if you don't have a guild standard (or something similar) you can still perform but having it proves you are meeting certain chriteria (not steeling jokes, running a well organised gig)

For someone new to performing like myself (I've been involved in comedy for 10 years this year) who now earns about 65% of my income from comedy it would be nice to have a way of saying I've hit a certain standard not artistically but in terms of my conduct that makes me, for example, a guild standard act, the artistic side of course is subjective.

I'm not sure how something like this would work but in an ideal world comedy would have a standard and a kind of governing body.

For now, just a load of attention whores fighting for the scraps of a once busier industry.

J x

I stole a joke, So what?

I'm a day late getting this out, I'm a day late getting this out because Jed and Andy came to my house to have a day of writing together, I'm a day late getting this out because Jed and Andy came to my house to do some writing together but we ended up talking about all the people in comedy that piss us off and the reasons why (its a small list but there are some French showers ((Douches)) out there)
I'm a day late getting this out because Jed and Andy came round to do some writing and we ended up going to see Deadpool (it was good but no where near the level some people seem to suggest, I'm just not comic book nerdy enough)
So that's that.

I had a weekend, wasn't good wasn't bad was just a weekend. Given that I now rely solely on stand up to provide an income I could say it was a bad weekend as £100 worth of gig was cancelled on Friday, my 3rd cancellation in 2 weeks that coming after I joked that acts are bullshitting when they claim gigs have been cancelled.
Alas I could not get myself booked on anything else and as I emailed promoters telling them of my cancellation even I thought it there was an aroma of bullshit emanating from the message.

Saturday I was booked in for a trial gig 240 miles away near Brighton for £10 English pounds (thats worth £10 in today's money!) something that would cost me 5 hours 45 mins driving there and 4 hours 15 getting back for 10 mins on stage in front of in the end 11 people.... sounds awful right?
it was in fact a lovely gig and well worth the travel especially as I attempt to build a little bit more of a Southern profile.
That's necessary because I'm incredibly bad at shouting the loudest about how good I am in the North and so struggle to show up on anyone's radar long enough to be considered remotely decent.

Thing is I am stuck in some kind of paradox where I hate every thing I do and I'm frustrated it's not better yet I'm so very aware I can make people laugh and have the ability to swagger about the stage like I own it.
So why can't I shout loudly? choosing to blog instead like a meek schoolboy writing down his thoughts in a (very public through choice) diary (I do like blogging though)

There was an opportunity for me to join in with some comics all shouting loudly against Cheggers as he clearly was nicking jokes and using them on his app but I just could't bring myself to join in, odd really as I agree with the Comedian community standing up in a different way, this being for their right to be credited for their work. Thing is, some acts were just getting involved simply to say they were blocked by him (he was twitter blocking anyone vocal about the joke theft and some acts who were kicking off should probably try google their own material before shouting up about nicked stuff, although Cheggers was blatantly nicking jokes and some of these acts may have just accidentally come up with something similar to whats out there (I have done that and ditched anything too similar although kept my throwing up all over a girl story that I have been accused of nabbing because its a true story and fuck off thats why )

Non comedy people thinking that joke theft isn't so bad by the way... its bad because thinking of an original joke, writing it, driving to a gig in a pub in the middle of nowhere to test it, tweaking and re writing it, testing it again, getting it perfect, driving all across the country trying to earn meagre wages that have not increased in the 11 years I have been involved in comedy (most of that as promoter) only for some prick to take credit on twitter and you to have audience members tell you they have heard it before thus possible costing you an opportunity to further earn a living..... not cricket!!

It's great that team comedy got together to yell at Cheggars, I'm pleased to see the industry if there really is one, stand up for itself like this although no one is ever going to say, "I stole a joke, so what" but its still worth while asking them the question.
 I suppose I could have joined in, got myself blocked and been part of it, and I'm not criticising those that did but I am just rubbish at making myself welcome in the social environment of anything and so..... I drive 240 miles to build a profile elsewhere!

Shouting loudly on Facebook or twitter, being full of beans in green rooms, being able to fake it until you make it seem to be outside of my remit, but then as I have mentioned in the past, there is no defined path so I shall continue to plug away and to be fair having no dayjob now has really benefited me, I have a much more healthy looking diary these days, go me!

Thank you again for reading my ramble, I shall be slightly changing pace from this week forth blogging about my take on the worlds news stories weekly with a monthly ramble about my experiences being a mediocre stand up.

J x

Dying on stage

Here lies Jim, died more times than Sean bean! If ever Stu Goldsmith wants to interview a nobody with aspirations I'm ready for that question.

Dying on stage was something I was terrified of, well that and the sea (it's a big scary wet death ok), those and not progressing quickly enough I suppose especially given my age. 

As my 4 year comedy birthday is only about 3 weeks away the fear of death is completely gone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of falling out of aeroplanes but I'd still prefer not to.

Thing is I think I need to die a few times now in order to actually start to kick on, not only die but maybe stop wanting everyone from every demographic to like me.... It would never work out that way anyway and you could only ever have wafer thin comedy of everyone loves it.

In fact if you really want to be loved you have to be ready to be hated... I said that a few weeks back and it's a good job I meant it because there are some people out there all too ready to hate, but yknow, they are fucktards (is fucktard an insult? I called a guy dickwash in a road rage incident today, is that an insult? Telling an irate van driver "calm down dick wash" doesn't help that situation) though and I care not about the opinion of a fucktard!

I mentioned last week as my loyal readers or victims will recall had my outing at Leicester comedy festival this week.

It was the opportunity for me to really push out some of my genuine opinions as well as being honest about my battle with demons (mental ones I'm not a witch or an extra from Charmed)

It's quite amusing to me to see the reaction of an audience when I talk of the day I considered suicide compared to a joke I did about killing myself to escape a relationship, same subject totally different context and very very different reactions although the pay of when I get to the joke worked so well I could not have been more pleased that I actually turned to a guy and said "thank fuck you all laughed at that"

I also got some mileage from some of the subjects I wanted to talk more about like the freedom of speech vs the I'm so offended by everything extremes and why fat shaming works, of course trying to get my point across without bullying anyone was the difficulty.

There have been a few audiences that immediately switched off when I have brought up certain subjects or taken me literally and forgotten that they are at a comedy club and as a result I have died, I will keep on dying until I've tweaked these things so that I have enough of me and my personality in my comedy and not this fake, hide behind cheap laughter guy that I was at the start.

Leicster was nice, they were apathetic at times but I'll take that as they filled my donation box with coins (not all copper either) and even a couple of notes went in which is always nice!

I didn't die but there were parts of the set that certainly would if I don't play about with them a bit, all in all I feel it's worth while having a solo hour and this has cemented my decision to go to Edinburgh although perhaps taking a double handed instead of the full solo hour.

Best get back on the writing re writing and writing again train (there is no such train it's just a coffee shop)

J x

Jack Daniels & Battery acid

It's Leicster festival this week, I've done very little to push my slice of that particular pie as I've been distracted but I'm rather focussed on making sure it's an hour of funny!

I've done an hour show before, my self promoted solo mini tour (yeah that was a thing) with Dave Rivers and Ross Brielrely  was, well interesting... My 1st night of that was at the rubber chicken room in headingley, Leeds. That's the venues name, it's not a kinky late night spot for gimp fetish poultry, but sadly I think it no longer exists despite being a belting venue holding 40, a little air raid shelter of  a venue that had skill fully avaded fire regs inspectors.

The one thing that really made that venue interesting was the lack of alcohol license, so the 2 nights of my solo effort were advertised as being you own booze

The 1st night was packed (yeah 40 is packed) absolute sell out, venue rammed with Jim Bayes fans.... By Jim Bayes fans I mean family, friends and people I could bully into coming, back then a great idea just ensure its full... Not something I'd do now, not least because they have all seen my show and.... Well I suspect they would rather go watch the go compere guy in concert than have to do that pretend laugh and then never talk about it again.

I actually though as they wouldn't be comedy fans as such that the 1st night of the show would be dreadful, muted and polite but not a proper gig but I was wrong it was actually a belter... So with that in mind, the second night, the one with actual comedy bookings, people I'd not forced to come... Possible comedy fans, that was going to be a night to remember.

Again sold out I wasn't wrong, it was a night I'll never ever ever forget. It started with the guests filtering in, each with a full box of beers and litre bottles of Bacardi , Smirnoff , Jack Daniels & Battery acid!!

They filtered in all 40 of them and they sat like the cast of Beverly hillbillies if it was set in Yorkshire, staring with empty faces, all 40 of them, the combined IQ of the room was 7!

Ross and Dave did well to get them to even understand that a joke is a thing intended to make one laugh and need not be taken literally! In fact given the was the night went, they smashed it... I think it's fair to describe their performances as 11 out of 10 given the circumstances with which they had to work.

By the time I was due on stage the room resembled the bar scene from Gremlins, an audience that you shouldn't get wet or feed after midnight.

I can't be sure if the picture is from the gig or a movie still from Gremlins!

The moment that really sticks with me is that one woman was so drunk; she fell off her chair and broke the chair in front with her face... Then got up and completely denied having fallen in the 1st place, she actually got angry with me for asking if she was ok!!

So that is the measure of solo hours I have to work with... Leicster, this should be a lot more normal and a little more funny! 

I shall most likely report on how it went next week.

Being bored

I read a thing today, the fact I read it all without becoming distracted by a cat surfing or someone getting overly excited about deadpool (I had to google deadpool too) may take away some of the strength of what I am about to say but still I feel it's worth mentioning.

The thing was about how people need to get their faces out of their phones or tablets and go back to being bored now and then!!

Yeah... Really... That's an actual suggestion made by an actual journalist. Missing being bored is like missing standing on a upturned plug, no one has said, remember that feeling, I'd love another slice of that. 

At no point in history has someone said they would much rather not have access to a means to contact people on the other side of the world, or the ability to see photos taken from space, or instantly find a fact that resolves an argument.

I can't remember ever hearing anyone complain that they can watch all kinds of movies in various languages made by all levels of filmmaker and not just the big ones marketed at us with ambiguous billboards (fuck you deadpool) or read almost every book... Or even better listen to a audio recording or many of them to avoid being distracted by a surfing cat or fucking deadpool fans!!

The idea that our phones or tablets are turning us into dumbed down zombies is bollocks (oh the irony that I couldn't put that more eloquently), these devices provide us with so much information, so many ways to learn and better ourselves... I've never known so much about my own body, how our food is sourced why fruit is pretty much as bad as chocolate bars (it's still better to eat fruit but oh lordy that sugar content, time to tell the apple to get fucked) 

Apples are out but I'm ok with grapes...

These smart phones and tablets may be made by corporate money making machines (another Apple that can fuck off) and may be hideously overpriced on certain brands but they make our lives better, much like cars do although unlike cars I don't think 12 people a day are killed and hundreds injured by phones and tablets... That said, there almost certainly should be a rule against operating one while drunk.

To give the article some credit it was referring to the people who waste time on Facebook just perusing, which I agree... I'm so sick of Facebook (but annoyingly need it) I'd sooner repeatedly beat my testicles with a spoon than log in these days (OK as mentioned I kinda need it and also I've hidden my spoons & the lads are safe) 

The people who are dumbed down by having a smart device would be dumbed down anyway, they are people who take the easy option and hu rite fings in da simplist wey dat dey can cz dey ain't lerned not2 .

Those that use devices to learn and grow would learn and grow anyway too but to have all this information is wonderful..... Or do I really believe that?

Well actually... No... Because the smug twats have too much information  in their soft, never done a days graft, fairy liquid hands and can't stop wanking on at everyone about how right they are and how fucking wrong everyone else is!!

I think it's actually time to switch off the internet, organise a weekly wrestle, bully the loser a bit and then think about what we have learned while arguing that a tomato is a fruit without means to prove it.

I wonder how well we would get on as a species now if the electricity and Internet just went all shergar on us and vanished. It would amuse me greatly if Bear Ghryls , Grhyls? Grills? Fuck it Ray Mears... Was the 1st to start panicking!! Running down the street smeared in shit yelling it's all a lie I had access to wickepedia and a kettle the whole time!!

I think I should try giving up the tinterweb for a week, see how far I get... I'd have to delegate someone the job of keeping up with the comedy forums to keep my gigs ticking over mind (yeah because I'm flat out busy!! *sobs)

I may just try this.. I may as soon as I've finished this blog go straight back to my YouTube documentary on the Sasquatch I was watching (for research!) one things for certain, Im not going to be bored.

J x