Real Madrid drinking team

The problem with giving up alcohol for a few months is that when you drink alcohol again you forget how shit you are at drinking. Unfortunately for me me football buddies (we don't play footy they are just round and full of wind) are champions league drinkers, me going out with them is if I were to use the football analogy... Which I will, like Real Madrid taking on the horse and chaffinch Sunday league reserves team.... It's a non contest but there was a real pre match feeling I could give this a go!

I wound up without a gig which allowed me to join in much sooner with the drinking, in a previous blog I had mentioned whisky and so my tiny feeble man brain was lusting for this with amateur enthusiasm the kind of which sees many a Brit crawling along a puke pee and glass coated kerb in a deshevelled state while still convinced they can dance or pull or both!!!

The thing is I had like many a comedy flavoured person does, been hoping for something to happen, something I could look back on and embellish to the point of uber hilarity although in reality just get a mildly amusing anecdote to which I add 3 knob gags and classic Jim lean forth as I relay the story to a bemused audience of 6 punters 4 bar staff and 5 other acts all staring at their phone because they've seen me before.

I have been very much the dull boy of late , sure after gigs I sneak in a drink now and then, usually it's a water with ice and I've tried the diet water with full fat ice joke on a few nonplussed bar staff while at it, it takes away the embarrassment of ordering a drink that's nearly always free and instead replaces it with embarrassment at my dad joke.

Aside from that my social life has involved 4 visits to the gym a week, that's not even a brag, no one likes a gym prick, I'm a Jim Gym prick, if only I liked preserves, I'd be a Jim jam gym prick (I'll stop now) it's involved 2 games of football a week, one day a week writing (usually just some half assed blog!) and 2 or 3 nights a week gigging along with 5 days at the day job, cramming in time to walk the dog and the odd date here and there (well coffee in McDonald's seems to count so I'll take that!)

Basically I'm too busy to have any crazy shit happen to me that would make great comedy.... Which of course means I either have to up my game and do more crazy shit or actually sit back and realise that I, like anyone on this silly little planet can write creatively if I just allow myself too.

There's no need to wait for crazy adventures to happen, sure when they do that's awesome but in reality what makes a comic good is putting in the miles writing because if any other act is like me they need to write 4 hours worth of stuff to get 20 mins they are happy with.... And when I say happy with I mean not happy with but it will do for now, writing is the dirty bit, the hard part that takes time, takes patience and ah fuck it lets just nick some jokes offof sickepedia because no one seems to be saying much to the 4 zillion (slight exaggeration) acts that are doing that.... No seriously don't nick jokes and actually in a car share recently an act pointed out that when you write a joke it's worth googling the premise and the joke to see if it's out there already as it might just save you some pointy pointy fingy.... Although there seems to be little of that at the moment 

So my tender state, created by the thrashing handed out to me by Real Madrid's drinking team allowed me an opportunity to get a bit more writing in, maybe I should just get blasted every weekend and write my way to recovery... Who knows maybe one night I'll get my head kicked in by an 8ft baby on a stag do, or fall in a river and be rescued by a bloke who looks like Jack from titanic, or maybe I'll get arrested for (this one did happen) picking up a discarded hard hat putting it on and standing next to a policeman keeping patrol of the taxi rank singing YMCA.... Whatever happens putting pen to paper each week is the bit where the real comedians will rise up above those gifted actors .... I hope 

J x

Happy to quit comedy

Christmas party week this week for pretty much everyone who likes to drink and talk to other humans, I'm not so good at the latter and I am really bad at the former.

I like people, people are interesting, every person on this planet has a complex and interesting life, even that Hopkins woman, sure no one would really care if she fell into a cement mixer and some Polish immigrants made a house for an Indian family in sweaty Scotland out of her cold callous house brick body..... Just for clarity it is not I that thinks Scottish are sweaty.

I like people but I really really don't like people!! I mean if there was one or two people then I'd probably like them but when you go into a bar and there are about 4 zillion people in there and they have all had 6 jäger bombs, 5 Sambuccas 4 pints of craft lager (it's like normal lager but it's more expensive because the word craft has been added to the description) 2 real ales (ales that descended from Spanish Royalty I would guess) and a red bull (because sugar and Taurine are really good ingredients to add to this mix) then it for me becomes a bit awkward.

I've managed to get fitter than I've ever been, to that end I feel youthful, but that's where my pretence that I'm young ends. It's not helped when you enter a bar and you look like you could potentially be someone's dad there to pick them up, there are kids in there younger than a scar I got on my chin during a bar fight I got in when I was of an age that getting in a bar fight didn't terrify me!!

They are prancing around to some bloke who's clearly got an issue with female dogs and garden tools as he raps about all the bitches and hoes that he never used to have before the days he could afford to own luxurious shit such as a Rolex, then for a brief moment I get excited as a song I recognise comes on, but it's not the track I thought, just some guy shouting over the top of the music I once liked when a band in too old to remember the name of once sang over it, then next track... I find myself asking what the fuck is a rizzle kick??

When did my ability to enjoy life die? Fuck I'm not old, it's a mental state....it's not that I don't like other people, sure they are all dressed like cartoon characters and no one wears shirts and shoes anymore but that's not their fault.

It is dawning on me my social life is stand up, I'm getting old in my mind and I only like people if they are sat listening to me and laughing at the bullshit I think is funny.... Who thinks a man turning into a chicken is funny for fecks sake??

I should have known I was getting brainified (it's a word ok!) old, I know the difference between bio and non bio washing powder, I own nose hair clippers (fuck off they are useful) and I consider a nice sit down to be a thing! 

Having a nice sit down with Ronnie

This week is party week, my social life had been negotiating road works and 50 mile and hour speed restrictions listening to Stuart Goldsmith... I'm not equipped to handle busy rooms but as a comedian (of sorts, on can we just assume that I'm a comedian in the basis that I do comedy??)

It's been easier to hide away in the back, show off for 20 mins then piss off home for a nice sit down!

Thing is, I bumped into a former Leeds based act the other day while Christmas shopping, he was so bloody happy!! I mean a million miles from the guy I knew as an act, really happy, like he smiled and it wasn't forced and he even looked like he's been in a bed with a real girl recently!!

I heard a rumour a notoriously hard work act has recently married and will be quitting stand up too because he's happy.... Is this it, do I need to be miserable? You don't have to be happy to quit comedy but do you have to quit comedy to be happy? Nah I doubt that.

I can do miserable but I'm going to go to these Christmas parties, try my bleeding hardest to talk to people without yawning, zoning out or moving the subject to myself as quickly as possible and I'm going to drink some fecking whisky (I have no ideas how to drink whisky but I'm about to learn so I can at least look distinguished rather than old!!) and I'm going to make sure that happy Jim can still be comedy Jim.

J x

Lovely gigs

I have had a busy week this week, the usual stuff really, 6 trips to the gym (I went inside and worked out on at least 2 of them too ) 5 days at the dayjob currently training a newbie, 4 gigs, 3 games of football 2 turtle doves and Alan partridge on DVD!!

The gigs have been quite nice, none of the horrible Christmas party buffoonery I witnessed like last year when a supermarket I won't name, let's just call them Asdur, held their do at a gig I had in Leeds and took the entire front 3 rows.

In fairness we should not allow a pre planned, ticket only, non exclusive to your company, live event ruin a mundane conversation about Steve in accounts hilarious anecdote about the time he called Susan; from shipping; Sarah. 

You hilarious bastard Steve, sorry about our event requiring you to be quiet so the  other paying guests can enjoy the show.

And how rude of us not to realise Lucy from customer services hasn't seen Jennifer from the other side of customer services for 4 days, you must have so much to catch up on?? Tell us more about what happened in goggle box this week that simply can't be enjoyed silently!

I think the most rude and thoughtless thing we did holding a gig there that night was get right in the way of some necessary drinking, because a Christmas do isn't a Christmas do until you're 5 shots of sambuca in, you've some how managed to button your shirts middle button to the top hole, you've just threatened to beat the hell out of someone while wearing a jumper with a flashing Rudolph nose on it and a yellow paper hat or you've had that many copperbergs you've become convicted that they are four value for money!!

Fortunately this weeks gigs have all been lovely (while in comedy terms "lovely gig"

Usually means "I did well" I can honestly say these were just lovely gigs.... I don't know what the code is for I could have been funnier but the audience were nice)

I suspect as we creep closer to Christmas and party season gets in to full swing there may be some more lovely gigs but I know at least one night between now and next year I'll be stood talking to an audience that makes me happy no one carries around rotting fruit and veg anymore.

I hope I'm wrong, being as busy as I seem to be I'd like not ever feel it's time wasted although in fairness time is only wasted if nothing is learned, and there are always lessons to learn ( better grammar may be one I could look at)

I think I'm just going to sit back and enjoy whatever the Christmas run gives me.

J xx

A bit of badinage

I've recently seen a few reviews of acts I know that have somewhat confused me, when I say confused, I'm not referring to the big words used by reviewers to show how much more intelligent they are than normal people, although I had to google some words (what I've never heard of badinage despite being involved in many, I just thought that was a poorly tied bandage) 

I'm of course referring to the content of the review. Reviewers are just people with opinions like the rest of us, sure some have experience of a certain field and they are therefore licenced to point out when something is not that original or well constructed but really all they otherwise are is one person offering an opinion, I realise we are short of opinions these days in fairness!!!!.

Reviews to me mean so little now, sure it's nice to be told you are doing well but really you should know if you're doing well without needing a paragraph or 3 to confirm it.

Fuck I've had eBay reviews that are so far from correct I wonder if the person reviewing has seen an episode of master chef and decided if they can be wanky about food, I can be wanky about packaging (being wanky is probably not something you would hear in a review )

I've read product reviews for items on Amazon and ordered them on the basis that John from Norwich thought they were "decent for the money" and found the item to be utter manure, I've seen trip advisor reviews for the Grand Canyon saying that "it's alright but not much for the kids to do so just 2 stars"

The Grand Canyon, needs a soft play area and some wifi!

Are these people wrong? No, because that's how they see things and I don't have disdain for reviewers but the reviews I've seen of some acts I know don't reflect my opinions of said act, of course my opinion is worth as much as an signed Rolfaroo drawn on Lance Armstrongs jockstrap but if was a punter it would be the only option I'd really care about.

There is some kind of need to be validated by reviews from some comedians, the thing is, audiences laughing and promoters booking you is review enough..... Sure there are some acts out there that die painfully on their arse week in week out, are gonged off every gong show and perform to silent uncomfortable audiences who start to zone out and find themselves on gumtree via their phones looking for second hand bikes or something just to be free from the train wreck in front of them and yet the act comes off stage and believes they have just smashed it!!

No, no you guys haven't smashed anything, if anything you have taken a gig someone else has smashed and repaired it, you have firmly held the roof on and you very much stitched back up anything that was previously ripped by prior acts.... You guys should not self review as you are as capable of that as I am of riding a unicycle and juggling, the A and E department at Leeds General with testify I'm terrible at that in case it's not clear!

But everyone else, maybe don't worry about reviews, don't read too much into them if they are bad and enjoy them but don't see them as the career defining moment if they are great.

I like a zillion other comedians (I am classing myself as a comedian no matter how few stars I've had, Enzo here at McDonald's who just served my coffee has no stars yet he's still a mcwaiter) an swimming in the same pool and would like to stand out but a review, bad or good, to me personally, should just be read with a pinch of salt...... And not as I may have previously considered a pinch of salt, a squeeze of lemon and 6 shots of tequila because the author thinks yer shite!!

Take reviews for what they are, sure they have their place but really I don't think they will ruin or catapult anyone to an extent it is worth sweating about.

I give this article 2 stars, the packaging was wet when it arrived and it smelt of sticky tape!

J x

Antisocial Media

It's been an odd week on the ol social media, or given how often my face is stuck in it rather than communicating with the live humans near me I prefer antisocial media.

It's been odd since some people killed some other people and lots of people had opinions about the people who perpetrated the killings. There have been tricolore facebook profiles, images of dogs being donated by the Russians to France, (perhaps a little easier to send a dog to France safely than it is to the moon) there have been proclamations from sanctimonious attention seekers about deleting bigots, bigoted posts from moronic half wits and the odd hint of weary sarcasm and frustration from people who just want to know who's shagging who and what funny cat meme is next.

As a person who claims to be a comedian, a rather bold claim but one that makes me happy, I oughta look at these posts and take a light hearted view, perhaps quip about how unsurprising the grammar errors are in a lazy opinioned post about how we should bomb Syria, or maybe a more considered way of looking at the uber left opinion its all our own fault that baddies with weapons are shooting us.

In truth I'm tired, social media is draining, its like being in a room with every type of person and they are all shouting as loud as they can, you kind of agree with some but when you comment thus someone you respect kicks off because you don't agree with them and in the end you just want to tell a dick joke and leave quickly before anyone thinks you want to buy Ray Bans from an atractive heavily tattooed young girl.

I really think I might enjoy a world where social media is limited to an hour a day or something, I presently log on hourly for the fear of missing out on a gig only to find myself weeping uncontrollably at the image of a 4 year old Syrian girl surrendering at a camera she thought was a gun. The moment I saw that photo it reminded me of being a young boy in the 80's crying because of a video I saw or Roger Whittaker documenting poachers attacking Elephants. No social media back then, still found a way to feel pathetic, its a big cruel world.

I thought for about 5 minutes back then that I would change the aforementioned cruel world but then a moment later the ice cream van came round and my priorities changed.
Putting things in perspective is all well and good but how long does perspective last? you feel humble for about 3 minutes then you hear that Man United have scored with an injury time og and your anger turns to Watford's defending, I mean really, Troy Deaney back there?? really Watford??
N.B I have nothing against Man but I had them to draw in my accy

Social media does not allow perspective, it just has everyone's thoughts puked out into a feed of pointless information sapping our time and ability to freely think without justification from peers or to have an alternate opinion without being attacked. Or maybe I am wrong, and even though some bell end will require you to share a picture of a girl with ham on her face in 4 seconds or a dog in Honolulu gets eye cancer or some needy blogger *coughs loudly* shows a picture of an everday event and claims you will not believe what happens next only for that to be an even more everyday event but with some lame moral plot crowbarred in.

The annoying thing here is, something terrible took place in Paris last week, and it opened my eyes to all the terrible things that happen everyday, people can literally die a million different ways, seriously I heard of one guy who jumped into a window on the 57th floor of a building to prove its integrity only to smash through and fall to his death... seriously people can die in all kinds of manners, so lets all stop killing each other, stop using killings to hate each other, stop using differences and religions to hate and for the love of god (if you believe in him) stop posting about how you have all the answers to these world issues on social media, I want to write some jokes instead of hide from my laptop in a cupboard.

I am not sure what the hell I have just written, but too late now I have posted it and you have read it, next week I think i will write about my weekend away with the family, just an ordinary trip, but what happens next will leave you speechless

J

Winging it

3 years ago I had a solo show called what am I doing here, it was my 1st real attempt at such a thing and had it not have been for 18 months of being in a really dark place (mentally, I wasn't locked in a cupboard or anything) it would have gone to Edinburgh.... thankfully it didn't, because it was pish! I'm assuming here that pish is a Scottish word for rubbish, if it means something else this may make no sense, thankfully it didn't because it was xylophone or something ridiculous.


It was not rubbish in relation to where I was at that time though, it's just I was so bad that it seemed like a superb show! it wasn't but one thing I did do with it was self promote it and take it to various venues to get into the swing of doing an hour performance, although in the end it was only 45 mins or so, finishing early not usually one of my habits and like this cheap metaphor I'm making I did feel like apologising after for giving what was my best performance but yet still not one that is deeply satisfying.


This weekend I returned to Hull for the comedy festival to make this my 3rd year there after last year I did a revised version of the previous show but god knows where I was mentally then!! I was certainly very drunk!
I love the festival in Hull, its well supported, well attended and this year again very well run.
I decided this year to take a work in progress type show as Leicester comedy festival looms and I would like to use that as starting point for a year of hour performances before actually trying to get something from comedy's trade fair in August.


Taking into consideration last years mini tour that was self promoted and ran in Huddersfield, Carlisle, Doncaster (kind of) Blackburn and 2 nights in Leeds I may do something similar this year, promote myself, set a budget find venues and have a pay what you like or nominal door fee, Hell I'm not going to upset the governing body of comedy, what with there not being one, so why the hell not.


I'm under no illusions I'm brilliant and could sell out big venues across the country, I have family members who don't know who the fuck I am so I hardly have a following but I am at a standard now where my filter has caught up, I still write shit jokes I just don't say them loudly in rooms full of people who have paid for mirth. I do, however, have a style now that works, a set that is stronger than ever, it had to be though really, I mean there's only so many times I can pretend to be a chicken crossing the road!


I have thought about what direction acts take, listened to Stuart Goldsmith's brilliant podcast and watched mates or acquaintances pick up TV work, sign up with agents and win national competitions and it has all pointed to the reality that, this comedy lark, we are all fucking winging it! I even think Steve Bennett at Chortle gets home some days and thinks, "well I haven't a fucking clue so I'll just say it was average" and massive promoters think, fuck it we will just keep booking the same 12 acts because we don't trust anyone else!


All someone like me needs to do is knuckle down, create my own path and have some fun, so that's the plan, although a big push in 2016 would be useful, so don't be surprised if you see a self promoted mini tour popping up.


J xx

Cheap jokes and cheap coffee

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Learning Funny

Today I taught a course on writing techniques and how to generate material. It's a subject I know a lot about on the basis that I have been on 2 writing workshop type courses and one 10 week  writing course (one day a week for the 10 weeks, I'm not a machine!!) with a follow up 3 week course.

There are lots of opinions on comedy courses (what, comedians, opinionated?? Never!!!) and these vary but for me today was about helping people to create a set from ideas they have generated and avoid the rookie errors of too many words or talking too fast or trying to be edgy and offensive.

I had prepared my teachings many months ago and had acquired the assistance of Jed Salisbury to teach the course, in all honesty I just like having Jef around in case anyone makes a Star Wars or wrestling reference that goes over my head.

Coming out of the course I had a really upsetting realisation that my material that I have been tightening up for 4 years ready to be a solid club comic, because I'm fucking ambitious, is dreadful.

It's terrible! Every other night I go out on stage and amble through musings about what my dad said and how funny a thing I over heard in a bar was and isn't my grandad quirky with his dementia and steadily decreasing ability to be alive.

It's utter rhinoceros shit! Big steamy piles of it all over the audiences geraniums, and yet so often they laugh, they laugh at this ridiculous thing that's just dribbled out of my face into their ears. 

This isn't a Ratner moment, I'm not talking you into coming along to one of my shows expecting me to be stood behind a mic banging saucepans together with my nob out singing I am Henry the 8th and expecting encores. 

The thing that struck me the most was that in the 4 years I've been doing this I have improved massively, I'm actually pretty decent at this, in fact I'm way better than my material and that has got to change!

So I can either get worse! Or write better, which I realised leaving my own course today I could do, if I just worked a little harder on the horrible part of stand up (well driving home from the arse end of Norwich on a Wednesday night when every cone in the world is out on the roads and every junction you need is closed diverting you past a town that if you break down in with almost definitely have a guy that demands you squark like a pig boy is the most horrible part but second most horrible part does not have the same impact) I could actually be 20 miles further down the comedy road than I am.

So having taught a course today I can confirm you can't teach funny but you sure a shit can teach writing and inspire and make improvement to the stuff that you are saying week in week out.

I'm looking forward to writing 5 hours worth of new stuff to eventually be able to unveil a new 10 mins of actual quality comedy, who knows, maybe one day I'll actually be bloody hilarious, for now I'll take not bad performer with some distinctly average jokes!!

1 minute 18

My week in gigs has been typical of that of a new act, I took a paid gig I should have run a mile from, I opted to do an unpaid spot I should not have been anywhere near and then died horribly (more on that in a moment) and then feeling like I'm the worst excuse of an act there has been since Colin Bunyan terrorised the Yorkshire Comedy Forum or that crazy Lee King fella threatened to Kill Adam Rushton, I drove to the West Midlands on a Weds night, shattered from the day job, writing my solo show (I have been working on it for 3 months, it's showing at Hull Comedy Festival in 3 weeks, all I have written is "Hello, (insert funny opening line) welcome to the show" although to be fair I originally went with welcome to my show so some progress has been made) and numerous visits to the gym/ cycle events that underline my desire to live a little longer, that in stark contrast to how I felt about 18 months ago when I genuinely did not feel so chipper, not exactly a subject filled with hilarity but this is what my show would have been about if I had actually bothered to write it.

The West Midlands gig despite all the excuses I have pre made went superbly well, I could have stayed on that stage for hours, only a few night before I was given only 1 minute and 19 seconds by a crowd of halfwits (because they didn't like me, they would have been superior comedy connoisseurs had they held me aloft and carried me out of the building metaphorically)   

I have been playing around with my persona a bit, I want to go in a direction I probably can't because my personality won't allow it, I fear not being liked which makes me shy, ironically this shyness makes me quiet and therefore less likeable! I'm a bit of dick too but let's not worry about that.

Things have been going well, comedy has been bringing my in a steady stream of cash money that has allowed me to prepare for the zombie apocalypse or at least buy some food as well as put fuel in the car, my day job has seen a pay increase too that has made a huge difference to my life, so financially I'm doing ok for the 1st time in years. I just need to improve my writing and maybe get myself in front of a few more big boys of the comedy world. 

I saw an ad for Peter Vincent's gong show, I hate gong shows, I used to think they were OK, served a purpose, provided acts with a nice venue to perform at with often big crowds but I realised over time that driving to  anywhere that's more than an hour away from home to have your fears that you're shite confirmed by an accountant, a stay at home mum and some bloke called Nigel all gleefully showing red cards after 47 seconds of mumbled nonsense that would never have come out of your mouth any other time is just not ideal.

But that said I've done Stockton gong 3 times, I survived a very horrible night where only a handful beat the gong... I had a cracking one second time around and was among the contenders to win and did OK 3rd time but not really to a winning level, those all gained me one open spot that I very much enjoyed and did 'OK' at but they didn't elevate me to, act to watch out for status or anything so I figured go do the gong again and show mr Vincent and co that I'm actually quite good and doing pretty well.

Thing is, this persona change is still at the front of my mind and in trying to be a bit nastier so I can get away with some slightly darker stuff.... Me being nasty is a bit like one of the Tweenies talking dirty, it's neither funny nor appropriate.

I had not realised this, had I done so I would not have said no thanks when offered the chance to MC a gig for £75, I turned that down thinking I have already booked in here I shall stay loyal to this and impress the Manfords and Ten Feet tall Booker..... Well that was the plan.

I may as well have gone on stage in  tutu and tried to perform the nutcracker, I mumbled stuttered and flapped my way through 1 minute 18 seconds of the worse comedy I have ever attempted and then to cap it all off in trying the nasty persona I just called people cunts! Not in a remotely funny (is there a funny way) I managed to set myself back 3 years in 1 minute 18 seconds!! My only possible saving grace is that it was so bad the Ten feet crew may not have taken the blindest bit of notice of who I was.

Rivka Uttley did a fab job winning said show by the way, and Amy Gledhill could so easily have won too, 2 superb acts that deserve praise and biscuits.

For me this stage death, that followed a horrendous Uni Gig was just a reminder that this comedy lark is bloody tough going sometimes, thank the Lord for CAN comedy in Lye where I was able to regroup and actually make everyone in the room have involuntary noise Coke out of their faces! 

It will be a long time before I'm ever at a gong again and more than likely you won't see me booked by Manfords or Ten Feet tall for a while but hey, if it doesn't encourage me to improve then nothing will and I can have all the comedic ability of Jack Whitehall and non of the career rewards!