I'm a little late this fortnight in reaching for my laptop (I can't afford an IPad I'm a comedian for gods sake I can barely afford food) but this is a good thing as I have once again forced myself to write and found I'm a little better at it when I'm both on a deadline and a touch angry.
My anger has come from a number of things that have left me wondering if I'm just wrong and should shut up or if I'm right and should scream louder.
Anger is a great source of entertainment in a kind of morbid curiosity way, you want to see what's gone wrong much like when there has been a car crash on the motorway you have to have a look and sit back thinking that would never happen to you, so I will write about my anger and as readers you can decide if I'm angry for nothing or if I'm right to feel a little annoyed at the world.
Let's start with the reason I am writing to a deadline , well I have a solo show that is an hour long and is going on a mini tour, it was not my idea to try this but now I'm doing it I'm going for it properly, so to hear people at a similar level to me in the comedy world scoff that I'm not ready for this and should not be doing it has not bothered me too much (yeah you thought that was the anger part coming up)
The reason it hasn't bothered me is because a number of acts deflect from their own insecurities by pulling apart other peoples attempts to achieve something. It's only a small number that do this but they stick out like a sore thumb and it's frustrating. To be fair though, comedy brings some very deluded people out and they can do things badly which can damage the scene slightly so the self policing has it's uses, I just wish people did not use the one upmanship that they do although it is not the source of my anger. No the part of this that angered me was that some acts feel it is ok to talk to someone like shit just because they disagree with them. It's a world of ego's and character traits that makes comedians believe that they are above everyone in some cases (again a small amount but it's those that stand out)
One thing I see is acts using social media to belittle things that other acts do, this is covering up insecurities and creating an appearance that the act does not care about how well they are doing when of course they do but they may fail and admitting they were trying in the 1at place when they have failed is defeat to them.... STOP IT! Please just stop it (I was one of the people doing this but I have altered my stance and yes I'm trying really hard and it will hurt if I fail but I'm human I might fail... In fact statistics don't look good for me but I'm still trying!
So the way some acts are with each other has angered me, another thing that has caused me some anger is the way people treat each other. It's nothing new it's just something I am allowing to effect (or affect my English skills are not what they should be) me more maybe as I'm older. I'll start with my own personality, I used to be homophobic, sexist, racist with an air of snobbery and those were just my good traits! In some ways I still am as I'm a white middle class straight male so when I meet gay people, black people, women and those deemed poorer than me (I'm pretty poor but I have so much that others don't) I still think of them for the labels that they have placed on them although only in small quantities.
Now the bigotry in my head at school age very quickly left me and I have learnt not to be a total prick, but I see it everywhere and becoming a comedian has made me view the world differently meaning I read more into it. I play football for a gay friendly team, I'm one of only 5 straight guys from around 30 in the team and I went to Edinburgh to play an away match with them last week, we stayed in Edinburgh overnight and went out but as I'm skint I went home at midnight earlier than almost everyone else. When I got back to the hotel I had to be allowed into my room by the concierge as the guy I was sharing with was still out, the co concierge asked me if I'd had a good night and wher I had been, I said Habanas, CC's a d players thinking nothing of it and his face dropped, he muttered oh right the gay bars then.... It's this reaction that happens to so many gay men and women meaning they can feel inferior and it's deeply upsetting, but who am I to be upset by it? I had one small taste of this and I am able to get on with my life not subjected to hatred or even a lack of understanding not born out of hate but equally difficult to experience , I see a woman and still think about her as an object of desire for just a second or 2, it's insane but I do it, I treat women with as much respect as I can and when we talk about women in comedy I just think of them as comedians, good or bad comedians are not determined by gender, I would not judge a woman on her gender without seeing her ability to do anything that she may be capable of, perhaps my wording there is not ideal but what I'm saying is I know I view women as equal, yet I still see an attractive girl and think about her looks 1st. Race is different, I see black or Asian people no differently to anyone yet a thought in my head always niggles at me that I should be careful not to say anything racist.... So in thinking that I'm not treating this human, this person who is before me the same way I would a white person.... Aaaaaghhhhh what's going on in my mind.
There is a comedian from London, he happens to be black and his stage name is simply Russ, his Facebook name is Russ Monkeywithagunn! I have no idea why because I was too mortified to ask him when upon meeting him I walked over and went "hey, you're that Monkeywithagunn aren't you?" ... 2 passers by turned gobsmacked to see how this blantant racial attack would wind up and only then did I realise what I'd said as he shook my hand and just said yeah that's me..... But in my head I was overplaying it and I had to get away quickly... I need to stop thinking like this. I'm angry because I can't stop seeing the injustice and I'm fucking part of it! I listened to comedians comedian podcast as I always do and I heard Susan Calman break down in tears at some of her experiences and it melted me, I wanted to just cuddle her and say it's ok (she asked Stu for hug in the end and it was oddly beautiful) I have it easy being a straight, white, middle class male.
It's easy yet I'm angry, channel 4 have angered me too, I need say little but benefit street is a show where they picked the worst examples of people on benefits, benefits that so many people need to get by, to eat, to cloth themselves. Viewers who may need benefits in the future now see it as shameful and call those who claim benefits scum, they judge everyone by the extreme example shown on TV, I'm angry because since starting comedy I notice this more and I want to change the world then I look at myself doing things that I deem will make people laugh, I hear the criticicsm from a small pool of my peers and I feel utterly worthless, and this angers me. I read that comedians are all
Broken, that the successful ones display psychotic behavior, it's nonesense, the world outside of comedy is broken we just don't always see it because deep down everyone wants a happy life even if they display signs of bigotry or intolerance, I'm angry because when someone is bigoted there is no way I can approach them and make them understand why it is not how they should live. Who am I to even begin to try explain anything to anyone, I'm guilty same as many other people sharing this planet with billions of other people who may be different but are essentially all the same, I'm angry because I started out the year feeling I should become a better comedian and 2 weeks in I feel like I need to become a better man 1st. I say all this and yet I'm not even sure what will change in me, I will still go out there and try make people laugh, taking advantage of being white, straight, middle class and male wether I mean to or not. I just hope I can make sense of life and maybe twist it into at the least a good funny 5 mins that maybe shows me in a good light and not this dark place I feel I'm in at the moment.
Oh, don't worry though. I realise that may have ended a bit deep, I'm ok though, I mean. I just burnt my hand on the George foreman while making a toastie, and the toastie has cheese in it so I may have nightmares.... But I'm ok, I'm just angry that my brain is full so of this need to not treat people badly that I'm treating people badly! I may try a lighter post next time! For now confused angry comedy writing... Let's see what I produce!
No comments:
Post a Comment